And speaking of vanity...

Yr. obd't blogger, checking in:

*waves*

On dysphoria, and therapy through vanity

Dysphoria has been a hell of a thing of late...it's been knocking me for 6.

And, like...

All the pix I've been posting...and believe me, there's loads more where they came from...they're mostly for me. As in, I'm taking them to try and prove to myself that I'm...something? Like...not petrifying as if I were a gorgon. And the affirmation is amazing...please don't think otherwise. Please keep giving it to me. Feed my precious tiny fragile ego, your compliments are miracle gro for the soul. But...in the end...they're...therapy, I guess. I can look at pix of me from just 6 months ago, and compare them to a pic I took last night, and see differences and changes...face shape, expression, a billion little things. and that's nice too.

I was talking about this with a friend yesterday, actually...

And I hesitated to post this for fear of how >certain< people might interpret the line about my teen self. But in the end...this is a thing too...realising that I am slowly but surely developing an aesthetic that works for me...

And then realising that aesthetic is basically just...teen me, but with a better sense of assemblage and carriage, is eye opening.

And gender is a fuck...I suppose no one knows this better than my genderfluid and enby friends...

But coming to the realisation that for all my commenting that I am a totally binary woman, there is a small part of me that isn't, and that really doesn't change things for me. Knowing myself is an ongoing process, and as each door opens I see more clearly who I am.

I will always be using she/her for pronouns...

And I am 100% happy with being a woman...

Because that's who and what I am.

But like all people, it's more complex than that...and the complexities...the edges...are an interesting place to walk and explore.

Part of wanting to document my transition is the idea that every transition story is different and valid. We all process and progress differently, and the more voices we have speaking, the better...not just for us, but for people who don't get it. And especially.../especially/ for younger people out there who are starting to explore their gender, who are looking for information, guidance, support, assurance that they are not broken or sinning or failing. This is the thing we all need to do to the degree we can...because each of us is here due to the men and women who came before us. It's a responsibility to leave things better than we found them.

It's why I am so angry at truscum, and exclusionary trans people, and irrevocably at war with TERFs and SWERFs and their ilk.

Gender fascists have the same right to a platform that ethnic fascists do:

Absolutely fuck all.

And yes, they have a 'right' to their opinion. but having a right to an opinion doesn't make their opinion correct. Opinion does not change fact or science.

And I think this went wildly off course somewhere.

Well done, Julie. way to go.

If there is a thesis statement to any of this, it's this:

'My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all.'

No, wait.

That's Stephen Hawking's.

But it's good for a very good reason.

This is what that is:

My goal for being so open with my transition is simple: it is to present an additional voice and experience, to add to our collected understanding of living while trans.

I didn't pick this. None of us do. Because we know it's not a choice. We know we are who we are.

It's what we do with who and what we are that makes the difference.

Every path is valid.

And the more paths we can learn from, the better.

This is Julie...specifically...speaking to you...generally.

Stay tuned for the sound of arriving somewhere.

But not here.

On coexistence and acceptance...

Incredibly fiery hot take:

We should stop trying to fit into cis society.

Because let's face it...there is not a single thing we will ever do that will be 'good enough.'

Cis society is overwhelmingly white, heterosexual, and anodyne. It's bog standard boring and it is oppressive as fuck. So why aspire to it? Why try to cut off our angles and curves to fit into the pace that we're allowed? Coexist with? Sure. We should coexist, but more importantly, they should coexist with us. They need to make the effort. You do not ask the injured worker to bear a heavy load...

...well, i guess capitalism does ask that.

But we're the margin here. We should expect...no, demand...that they come to us. That they accept us. We shouldn't have to conform, to pass, in order to deserve respect. And yes, I know that comes from a position of privilege. And yes, I am being utopian, because we know how we're seen in this world. But that doesn't mean we should accept it, mould ourselves to it, become it in order to...

In order to...

Listen. i don't want to /survive/.

I want to live.

If we look at the past...

Once upon a time, gay people were accused of being perverts and rapists and child abusers. Now it's us. If we make an effort to look femme or masc, we're appropriating, if we don't we're blokes in dresses or tomboys. If a trans woman dates another woman we're straight because we have penises, if we date a guy we should have just stayed gay, as if gender and orientation are inextricably, sub-atomically bound. If we have surgery we're mutilating ourselves, if we don't we're blokes in dresses. The goalposts are not only movable, they are always moving.

And it's intentional.

They don't want us to succeed. They don't want to accept us as us. They want to deny, state that you can't identify as a gender, accuse us of that.

I don't identify as a woman.

I am one.

So we have a few choices.

1) we can continue to try and...sell out, I guess. try to be inoffensive. try to fit in. Try to keep our heads down. Try to not be too loud. Try to strealth. And I get it, it's safe, and I don't blame the choice.

I think it's bollocks tho. because we fight for our realness...and now we're willing to forego parts of it just to eek out an existence.

And I'm done eeking.

I don't have to be rich...but I have to live.

Option 2 is to try and effect change...and I think it's noble, and I think we have to try but i don't think it's going to work alone. Because it comes back to those moving goal posts. There will always be bathroom bills and TERFs screaming on the floor of parliament...military bans and documentation gatekeeping.

We can, and should, and must fight those. It's essential.

But it's not enough.

Not in my not at all humble opinion.

We need to be loud, those of us who can. We need to be ourselves without apology. We need to raise our heads up, lift each other up, build our own Jerusalem so to speak. We need to celebrate our culture and force society to come to us...not the other way round. We shouldn't feel we have to conform. Because society at large will ensure we don't...despite your celebs like Caitlyn Jenner and India Willoughby...both of whom receive far more press and attention than the worthy Janet Mock or Laverne Cox or so many others...

...and Janet and Laverne have done amazing things for us. They are serious role models for me.

But we need more from every part of our culture. We need trans women and men from all over sharing their stories, their cultures, their experiences. We need to show the full gamut...from the bottom to the top. And we...those of us who can...need to use our voices to amplify those without voices or platforms...not speak for them, but speak with them, amplify them, let them be heard. Because their voices and lives matter. And we cannot allow the discourse to be dominated by a Caitlin Jenner, who presents a single vanilla soy latte and uggs version of living while trans.

My experiences differ wildly. as do those of every member of my family.

We can be the melting pot...lifting up every voice, celebrating the differences that make us so amazing.

And not boring.

And not anodyne.

And again, I know I speak from a safer, privileged position. I'm white and I have a roof over my head and a car to drive. And I have food twice a day and a family who doesn't actively hate me and partners who love me. so it's >safe< for me to say the things i say. And despite this safety, I get death threats. I've been doxxed. I'm not immune even if my place is more secure in many ways. But I refuse to just survive. I literally refuse. That's my line in the sand, that's the hill on which I die.

I want every person in this community to have even the little bit I have...and so much more. and I want and need to do my part to help it happen.

Forex:

Society says we shouldn't have our medical treatment covered by their insurance dollars. But when we crowd fund, we're lazy for not doing it ourselves.

You see now?

Everything is never enough.

So.

Nothing for us without us. From each of us as we can, to each of us as we need. We build a community that lifts up the least of us, gives them chances, makes them better, and by extension all of us. We fight like hell for our rights. And we make them come to us. Because we're all fucking worth it.

And so...in the words of one of the most brilliant men ever to walk this earth...

REVIEW: My Dinner With Andrea - Jen Durbent (Hybrid Ink, 2018)

OK y'all...

I just finished reading Jen Durbent's debut novel, My Dinner With Andrea. and I am basically a mass of emotion right now.

First of all...this is a very real book. That means there are moments of amazing joy, and moments that ring far too true for far too many of us. It's unflinching, and I mean that in the best possible way.

It's honest.

It's >real<.

Next, Andrea and Faith are amazing characters. They're real. I know them. They're us in so many ways. and Michelle...is...so complex and real. They are characters you care about...fall in love with.

So much of this is...au courant. There is stuff here that could easily be a headline tomorrow. I am saying this because this can be a very triggering book. Fortunately Jen includes a concise list of trigger and content warnings. But know I had shakes at times. I say that with love, by the way...because it's not there for shock. It's there because it's real.

This is a real book.

About real people.

Now, there is a bit I also want to point out, and that is the fact that Jen includes some poly content in here. I know that she mentioned to me a few times she was worried about this.

She shouldn't have been.

What she's done is fantastic. it's sensitive, and sweet, and good. and I loved it. I think she did a superb job, and I'm proud of her for doing it.

This is a book by us and for us.

It's a book that all y'all out there should really pick up a copy of. Because supporting our own creators is hella important, and I think this is a special, hella important novel.

Were I all memey, I'd say 'i r8 8/8 gr8.'

But I won't.

Cos that's puerile and I am a mature adult who can take care of herself.

Instead, I'll say that this is...worthy. and worth your ducats and attention.

At the intersection of body positivity, porn and perversion (somewhere outside Bristow, 7:05 PM)

I keep coming back to a thing that was said to me through the block over the weekend or whatever/whenever it was.

And I preface what's to come with 'yes, I know I talk a lot about sex work, but I'm dating/subbing to a sex worker, and have plans,so it matters to me.'

The person who blocked me *waves hi since I know you're trawling my feed anyway, you cheeky monkey* said that seeing a follower post a butt pic upset them because it just meant everyone else was right and all we are are perverts.

And this leads me down two paths.

Let's pick path a.

A) We have lived our lives ashamed of our bodies. We have had things happen to them we could not control, that we knew were wrong, saw the changes we expected happening to others, and learned very quickly to hate ourselves because of an accident of...uncontrolled variables.

And all of a sudden the right chemicals are flowing through us. And some of the damage is irreversible, but things shrink, things grow, skin changes, face changes, and...we start to learn there are not bad...actually, GOOD...things about us. And lets face it, we all crave affirmation. And it's affirmation we never got growing up. And here we are, with dozens if not hundreds of women just like us...most of whom are dating each other...and we all feel the same kinds of things.

Generally.

And we have a chance to finally get that affirmation. To feel a part of something. To belong, and be admired.

Desired, even.

So we post butt pix or boob pix or nudes or lewds or tastefully artistic boudoir photos. These don't make us perverts, unless you feel the human body is perverted. They make us finally feeling some self love and wanting to share that.

And it's fucking beautiful.

Now, let's go to path b.

B) There is nothing wrong with sex work.

And for a lot of us, it's at the very least a secondary source of income, if not a primary one. and it's brilliant.

Wanna know why?

Of course you do, you saw sex and kept reading.

For one, it gives us agency. We can set our own rules, work our own hours., do things we want to do, most often with people we want to do them with. For a lot of us, it means owning the means of production and the thing produced. and providing it direct to the purchaser. For another, there is nothing morally wrong with sex work. And this is an area that seems to be the toughest one to deal with. It's the result of puritanical upbringing, melanged with a society that renders women second class, that frightens people to the point that...

When a woman declares agency and ownership of her body, people freak.

This becomes more evident when you look at the number of trans women who have done any kind of sex work. and there's a lot of them/us. but it's a place where there's way less hate, discrimination...

Potential pay parity, and so much more.

Yeah, we're still marginalised...forex, ManyVids does not include trans stuff on their main twitter account, relegating it to a separate MV trans account. but when the most artistic stuff is coming direct from the creator...it becomes a situation where better means of supporting those creators becomes the hurdle, not the creators or product itself.

I love my girlfriend...that's very evident here on twitter. and I love what she's gonna be doing. It makes her happy, gives her control, she gets to work with neat people. Heck, we've talked about me doing some stuff with her. But it's been great for me too because it's helped me learn to see myself and my body as things of value. And that's amazing.

I have so many friends who are sex workers, and all y'all are amazing. I love being tangential to the community, talking with y'all, being friends, and hopefully some day doing some work with you if it comes to that (which i hope it does). But what I see in each of these amazing women is so much complexity and brilliance and artistry.

And so much pride in what they do.

And it's stuff most people don't see, because they're focused on OMG TRANS WOMEN ARE PERVERTS THEY'RE ALL PORN PERFORMERS EWW.

And, like...yeah? What if they are?

What if we are?

Ain't no thing.

Sex is good. Ethical porn is good. breaking barriers and stereotypes and taking ownership are hot and sexy and so empowering.

And it's...self love.

And that's something we all need more of.

So, am I a bad tran? Yep.

Am I a pervert? Oh honey if you only knew.

Am I a bad person? Fuck no.

And that's what trans porn twitter has taught me...along with bringing me an amazing perfect girlfriend I am proud to belong to.

/thread.

On passing privilege and 'male disposability' (whatever the fuck that is)

I want to write a thing.

And maybe in the writing and the telling, even if my words are pretentious and make you cringe with embarrassment something...anything...might be gained.

I am a member of, and somehow a moderator of, a discord channel. And in the last day or two or three, a person came into the advice channel and asked some questions about transition.

So far so good so what?

Right?

Wrong.

The question was, on the surface, innocuous:

"do you think i could pass if i transitioned?"

But here are the qualifiers.

1) this was followed up with statements that if they couldn't pass, they wouldn't bother.

2) coupled with a past message history (that i missed), which included such prize bon mots as:

"men were designed to be disposable, and as a man, that's makes me feel really hurt."

Wow OK.

Let's unpack this bullshit.

First off, transitioning to avoid 'male disposability'?

In a society that is entirely based around male dominance and a cishet capitalist patriarchy? Giveth unto me a break, cries this Julie.

Secondly...thinking that transitioning will somehow give you special privilege and power?

Listen...here's a tip...we really do not get checks from George Soros.

There are no secret power broker meetings.

Hell, the best you're gonna get is pizza, beer and a dozen of us comparing breasts and engaging in wild junk food fueled orgies with paeans to Bacchus and Aphrodite...

(girls, next week's the full moon, and the party's here. if you have any plus ones, please let me know, k? Thx)

But for real? For real for real?

The guy got kicked, and rightfully so.

And I was tripping balls on sleeping meds so I just remember being snarfy, and introducing a bunch of people to the word applesolutely.

But here's the bigger picture, ok?

It's an outsider perspective to think that transition is all about passing.

And hell, the dude even kept using male pronouns so you know he was either trolling, or...well, I think he might have been serious.

And hella dangerous.

We struggle with passing...passing does come with privilege, but it's hella not easy. It hinges on so many variables none of us can control.

And hell...I know I never will 'pass.'

But I don't care anymore.

And with that modifier 'anymore,' I obviously did at one point.

But age, genetics, body structure...I have what i have.

And cisnormative femininity is a) bullshit b) unattainable even by 95% of cis women, and c) dangerous.

Oh, and

D) bullshit.

It's so important I had to say it twice.

Passing brings with it a degree of safety, and I recognise that.

But safety for any woman is an illusion.

And for trans women? Doubly so.

Transition isn't a fetish thing.

It's about saving one's life.

And do you think that's dramatic? Do you think that's over the top?

It's bloody not.

Had I not started transitioning, I'd have killed myself...a fact that surely has some people out there wishing I hadn't.

Transition is saving my life by degrees.

And no, I won't "pass."

But I'll look ok.

I already do sometimes.

And yeah people will look at me.

But they already do.

And have for a long time.

And this isn't about fitting in.

It's not about accessing women's spaces.

It's not about throwing off the imaginary shackles of 'male disposability.'

It's not about getting the privilege of looking like a woman.

It's about staying alive.

And being real.

And yeah I get more than a little angry when someone acts like this is just some suit they can put on.

Because it's our life.

And we are not costumes.

And the sooner men/terfs stop with this fetishy 'womanface' bullshit, the better.