50 years beyond the infinite

3 April was the 50^th anniversary of the release of 2001: a space odyssey.

So...2001 story time.

It's 1977.

I was 4 years old, and while watching Saturday morning cartoons i saw advertisements for a movie called Star Wars. To say I was transfixed would be the understatement of the year. I had no idea what I was seeing exactly, but... I knew I wanted to see more of it. I convinced my parents to take me. TBH I think they wanted to see it too so it wasn't too difficult.

Until we got to the theatre, and saw the line around it. Said line wrapped round the place fully two times. This was pre-multiplex days. They were concerned, but I talked them into waiting. I kept occupied playing kick the can soccer with kids, and finally we got inside.

The movie was...

I mean, it was Star Wars, innit? It was amazing. It's the reason why stubbornly I refuse to watch A New Hope and have a copy of the Silva Screen de-master w/o the CGI and Greedo shooting first. Anyway, it was amazing enough that I talked them into going again. And again. And again. Like, 7 times on first run? I could recite the lines with the actors, knew everything that happened, yet I was as lost in the world the 7th time as the first. I was begging for the toys. I was wanting to watch anything that had the words science and fiction in the description.

And so it was that one day I picked up the TV Guide and saw a listing for a science fiction movie.

It was 2001: A Space Odyssey.

I begged to watch it.

My mom and dad were...let's say...they were unconvinced by my ability to enjoy the movie. and they said as much. but I was adamant, and made my argument like an intellectual. IOW: I stomped, threw things, screamed, and basically made an utter nuisance of myself. They finally gave in, with one admonition: we'd watch the first 20-odd minutes, and they'd ask me what was happening.

Ok. I was in. I won. I was gonna watch the thing.

So. 4 years old. 2001. And the first 20-odd minutes are the dawn of man sequence. There's no dialogue.

I am sure they figured I'd be bored out of my mind and beg them to turn it off. The sequence ends...y'all know how it ends. And my 'rents look at me as a commercial break starts (or was it a PBS fundraiser? It was one of the two, as this was pre-VCR for us).

'So,' they started...'so...you don't really want to keep watching, do you?'

I turn to them and go 'that...it's interesting...the caveman (listen I was 4 don't judge my limited knowledge of what was prolly homo australopithecus africanus, ok?) was using a bone as a tool...and then it turned into a spaceship.'

I paused.

'I...I guess a spaceship is a tool too, just one we use!'

And my 'rents looked at each other, resigning themselves to the fact that we'd be watching the whole thing...and that I'd explained a core thesis of the movie to them. At 4.

Now.

Today, as I was searching for some 2001 images for...for this actually, I came across this poster.

And it was a Fellini moment for me, as I realise that they actually...

Well, see for yourself:

(my god...it's full of stars...)

So there we go.

A look into the early days of Julie, geek and sundry.

And if you feel anything, feel this: sorry that my parents had to put up with this for 20-ish years...

So, pop the film on tonight.

And enjoy :-)

30 years hunting crystals: my life playing Final Fantasy

While I have some times and spoons, let me do the final fantasy thread.

Let me give you a soundtrack for it, K?

When I was a pre-teen to teen, I was massively into d&d/ad&d. I am still but that's beside the point. The fact is I love fantasy role playing games, whether on tabletop or PC.

Way back when, but later than that, my family got a NES. Shocker: I spent most of my time playing Legend of Zelda.

A little later, I discovered my local video store did game rentals. This was kinda cool, and I got to try out a bunch of stuff. One of them was the original Final Fantasy. It was really unlike any game I had played to date. While a game like Zelda is called an ARPG these days, back then it was...really what I figured an RPG on a game system would be. Final Fantasy upended that with more creativity, more depth, and more variety than I expected. I mean yeah, but...consider 1987. This was the first time I got to travel to towns in a game...have defined chapters and quests...have a sense of really changing a world as I explored.

I was awestruck.

And hooked.

To the point that I considered 'losing' the game cart.

I didn't...but I was never able to find another copy anywhere to buy.

It was a bummer.

But I rented it every time I could.

(back where it all began)

A few years later, we got an SNES. And I discovered that there was a game for it called Final Fantasy III...which ended up actually being FF VI but I didn't know that at the time. I was...I had a holy mission. I was going to find a cart, I was going to buy it, and I'd never have to give it up ever. So I started searching. calling game stores. In an ever widening radius. No one had it. No one could get it either. Most people would give up.

I was not most people.

I finally found a copy. In another state. One single copy. Which they wouldn't put a hold on for me. And I had no credit card, nor would they take an order over the phone. So I made a logical choice. I got in the car and drove two plus hours for it that day. My ex spouse thought I was...acting illogically.

I didn't care.

I got my copy.

And all was right with the world. I mean...till half way through the game.

(on that day the world changed forever...)

From here on out it got so much easier to get the games.

For one, we had a Playstation.

And I was able to keep up on things.

So I soon had FF VII...which was different, but neat. and I played it some. I played it more on PC...and I have yet to beat it because...well, because I got pissed off at a particular event in the game and went 'fuck you square I hate you.'

(but I have it on pc again now and I will beat it)

FF VIII was...not my game. My ex loved it, so I watched a lot. I just never got into it, and I kinda figured...I'd moved on to things like Diablo, and the whole grimdark thing cos I was EDGY...and maybe FF was not really my cuppa anymore.

Then Final Fantasy IX came out.

And it was everything I loved about the first one and the third one (which turned out to be 6 ofc)...

I fell in love with the characters. And the setting. And the story. And I was, once again, hooked through the nose. I played hundreds of hours on it, much like the other two I keep coming back to. It was just...a wonderful escape.

Final Fantasy X did little for me...while I loved Auron and Lulu, Tidus just irritated me to the point of loathing. But X-2? Whole 'nother can of beans. OFC by this time I was mostly through figuring out and accepting things, but...the whole game was fun. And, like my post last night...Paine. You know. Wanted to be her so bad. So yeah, I played it a lot, which led to a lot of ridicule from someone because 'why do you want to play as a girl all the time?'

(come on how is it NOT obvious why?)

Also yeah.

I tried to deal, but it was tough, you know.

I had no interest at the time of playing an MMO at that time, so XI was one I kinda just ignored. I kind of regret it, but I think it's at a point where I don't think I could check it out. I never got 12, sadly...at that point things irl were turning into a real mess...and 13 was a PS3 game and at the time I just couldn't afford a console.

(and even if i could, I know the money I'd have put aside would have been taken for someone to take a 'business trip' out of state. quotes intentional)

XIV was another mmo, and by that time I was already 2 years in to playing WoW, and XV is only just out in the last year or two. So there was a decent...many years in there I was out of touch with the series, tho I read about it all the time. In the last year or two, thanks to finally biting the bullet and getting a steam account, I've started filling in the holes. I have VI again, even if the port sprites are...redone. And I have VII, and am awaiting the remake as well. The Boy got me VIII. IX was the first one I bought as soon as I got on steam, and I'm back into X-2 as if the past 15 years hadn't been a thing. Almost all the missing games...missing to me...are on my wishlist...

IV

IV the after years

V

XII

The XIII series

I planned on skipping XV for...reasons. Then this morning i discovered there was an anime made for the game, which went into character back story. I figured i owed it to myself to at least watch. Thus, an hour later, and 4 bouts of tears...I added it to the list.

So I've been playing the Final Fantasy games for well over twenty years, across 5 platforms. They introduced me to deeper CRPGs, ones closer to what I was used to on tabletop. They broke my heart dozens of times (Aerith, the midpoint of VI Vivi just to name a few). They gave me worlds I wanted to be in, characters I loved and wanted to hang with or be. They game me escape into other worlds, where I could forget my hurt for a while and just...be someone else...an avatar of who i wished to be, maybe.

And, of any game series/system/whatever, they're the ones I know I'll play until they stop making them...and then just continue to love them and replay them as long as I can.

So there.

Your potted history of Julie's life with final fantasy.

Thanks for reading.

Here...

Have some more music.

<3

Shantih shantih shantih

93's

And speaking of vanity...

Yr. obd't blogger, checking in:

*waves*

On dysphoria, and therapy through vanity

Dysphoria has been a hell of a thing of late...it's been knocking me for 6.

And, like...

All the pix I've been posting...and believe me, there's loads more where they came from...they're mostly for me. As in, I'm taking them to try and prove to myself that I'm...something? Like...not petrifying as if I were a gorgon. And the affirmation is amazing...please don't think otherwise. Please keep giving it to me. Feed my precious tiny fragile ego, your compliments are miracle gro for the soul. But...in the end...they're...therapy, I guess. I can look at pix of me from just 6 months ago, and compare them to a pic I took last night, and see differences and changes...face shape, expression, a billion little things. and that's nice too.

I was talking about this with a friend yesterday, actually...

And I hesitated to post this for fear of how >certain< people might interpret the line about my teen self. But in the end...this is a thing too...realising that I am slowly but surely developing an aesthetic that works for me...

And then realising that aesthetic is basically just...teen me, but with a better sense of assemblage and carriage, is eye opening.

And gender is a fuck...I suppose no one knows this better than my genderfluid and enby friends...

But coming to the realisation that for all my commenting that I am a totally binary woman, there is a small part of me that isn't, and that really doesn't change things for me. Knowing myself is an ongoing process, and as each door opens I see more clearly who I am.

I will always be using she/her for pronouns...

And I am 100% happy with being a woman...

Because that's who and what I am.

But like all people, it's more complex than that...and the complexities...the edges...are an interesting place to walk and explore.

Part of wanting to document my transition is the idea that every transition story is different and valid. We all process and progress differently, and the more voices we have speaking, the better...not just for us, but for people who don't get it. And especially.../especially/ for younger people out there who are starting to explore their gender, who are looking for information, guidance, support, assurance that they are not broken or sinning or failing. This is the thing we all need to do to the degree we can...because each of us is here due to the men and women who came before us. It's a responsibility to leave things better than we found them.

It's why I am so angry at truscum, and exclusionary trans people, and irrevocably at war with TERFs and SWERFs and their ilk.

Gender fascists have the same right to a platform that ethnic fascists do:

Absolutely fuck all.

And yes, they have a 'right' to their opinion. but having a right to an opinion doesn't make their opinion correct. Opinion does not change fact or science.

And I think this went wildly off course somewhere.

Well done, Julie. way to go.

If there is a thesis statement to any of this, it's this:

'My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all.'

No, wait.

That's Stephen Hawking's.

But it's good for a very good reason.

This is what that is:

My goal for being so open with my transition is simple: it is to present an additional voice and experience, to add to our collected understanding of living while trans.

I didn't pick this. None of us do. Because we know it's not a choice. We know we are who we are.

It's what we do with who and what we are that makes the difference.

Every path is valid.

And the more paths we can learn from, the better.

This is Julie...specifically...speaking to you...generally.

Stay tuned for the sound of arriving somewhere.

But not here.

On coexistence and acceptance...

Incredibly fiery hot take:

We should stop trying to fit into cis society.

Because let's face it...there is not a single thing we will ever do that will be 'good enough.'

Cis society is overwhelmingly white, heterosexual, and anodyne. It's bog standard boring and it is oppressive as fuck. So why aspire to it? Why try to cut off our angles and curves to fit into the pace that we're allowed? Coexist with? Sure. We should coexist, but more importantly, they should coexist with us. They need to make the effort. You do not ask the injured worker to bear a heavy load...

...well, i guess capitalism does ask that.

But we're the margin here. We should expect...no, demand...that they come to us. That they accept us. We shouldn't have to conform, to pass, in order to deserve respect. And yes, I know that comes from a position of privilege. And yes, I am being utopian, because we know how we're seen in this world. But that doesn't mean we should accept it, mould ourselves to it, become it in order to...

In order to...

Listen. i don't want to /survive/.

I want to live.

If we look at the past...

Once upon a time, gay people were accused of being perverts and rapists and child abusers. Now it's us. If we make an effort to look femme or masc, we're appropriating, if we don't we're blokes in dresses or tomboys. If a trans woman dates another woman we're straight because we have penises, if we date a guy we should have just stayed gay, as if gender and orientation are inextricably, sub-atomically bound. If we have surgery we're mutilating ourselves, if we don't we're blokes in dresses. The goalposts are not only movable, they are always moving.

And it's intentional.

They don't want us to succeed. They don't want to accept us as us. They want to deny, state that you can't identify as a gender, accuse us of that.

I don't identify as a woman.

I am one.

So we have a few choices.

1) we can continue to try and...sell out, I guess. try to be inoffensive. try to fit in. Try to keep our heads down. Try to not be too loud. Try to strealth. And I get it, it's safe, and I don't blame the choice.

I think it's bollocks tho. because we fight for our realness...and now we're willing to forego parts of it just to eek out an existence.

And I'm done eeking.

I don't have to be rich...but I have to live.

Option 2 is to try and effect change...and I think it's noble, and I think we have to try but i don't think it's going to work alone. Because it comes back to those moving goal posts. There will always be bathroom bills and TERFs screaming on the floor of parliament...military bans and documentation gatekeeping.

We can, and should, and must fight those. It's essential.

But it's not enough.

Not in my not at all humble opinion.

We need to be loud, those of us who can. We need to be ourselves without apology. We need to raise our heads up, lift each other up, build our own Jerusalem so to speak. We need to celebrate our culture and force society to come to us...not the other way round. We shouldn't feel we have to conform. Because society at large will ensure we don't...despite your celebs like Caitlyn Jenner and India Willoughby...both of whom receive far more press and attention than the worthy Janet Mock or Laverne Cox or so many others...

...and Janet and Laverne have done amazing things for us. They are serious role models for me.

But we need more from every part of our culture. We need trans women and men from all over sharing their stories, their cultures, their experiences. We need to show the full gamut...from the bottom to the top. And we...those of us who can...need to use our voices to amplify those without voices or platforms...not speak for them, but speak with them, amplify them, let them be heard. Because their voices and lives matter. And we cannot allow the discourse to be dominated by a Caitlin Jenner, who presents a single vanilla soy latte and uggs version of living while trans.

My experiences differ wildly. as do those of every member of my family.

We can be the melting pot...lifting up every voice, celebrating the differences that make us so amazing.

And not boring.

And not anodyne.

And again, I know I speak from a safer, privileged position. I'm white and I have a roof over my head and a car to drive. And I have food twice a day and a family who doesn't actively hate me and partners who love me. so it's >safe< for me to say the things i say. And despite this safety, I get death threats. I've been doxxed. I'm not immune even if my place is more secure in many ways. But I refuse to just survive. I literally refuse. That's my line in the sand, that's the hill on which I die.

I want every person in this community to have even the little bit I have...and so much more. and I want and need to do my part to help it happen.

Forex:

Society says we shouldn't have our medical treatment covered by their insurance dollars. But when we crowd fund, we're lazy for not doing it ourselves.

You see now?

Everything is never enough.

So.

Nothing for us without us. From each of us as we can, to each of us as we need. We build a community that lifts up the least of us, gives them chances, makes them better, and by extension all of us. We fight like hell for our rights. And we make them come to us. Because we're all fucking worth it.

And so...in the words of one of the most brilliant men ever to walk this earth...

REVIEW: My Dinner With Andrea - Jen Durbent (Hybrid Ink, 2018)

OK y'all...

I just finished reading Jen Durbent's debut novel, My Dinner With Andrea. and I am basically a mass of emotion right now.

First of all...this is a very real book. That means there are moments of amazing joy, and moments that ring far too true for far too many of us. It's unflinching, and I mean that in the best possible way.

It's honest.

It's >real<.

Next, Andrea and Faith are amazing characters. They're real. I know them. They're us in so many ways. and Michelle...is...so complex and real. They are characters you care about...fall in love with.

So much of this is...au courant. There is stuff here that could easily be a headline tomorrow. I am saying this because this can be a very triggering book. Fortunately Jen includes a concise list of trigger and content warnings. But know I had shakes at times. I say that with love, by the way...because it's not there for shock. It's there because it's real.

This is a real book.

About real people.

Now, there is a bit I also want to point out, and that is the fact that Jen includes some poly content in here. I know that she mentioned to me a few times she was worried about this.

She shouldn't have been.

What she's done is fantastic. it's sensitive, and sweet, and good. and I loved it. I think she did a superb job, and I'm proud of her for doing it.

This is a book by us and for us.

It's a book that all y'all out there should really pick up a copy of. Because supporting our own creators is hella important, and I think this is a special, hella important novel.

Were I all memey, I'd say 'i r8 8/8 gr8.'

But I won't.

Cos that's puerile and I am a mature adult who can take care of herself.

Instead, I'll say that this is...worthy. and worth your ducats and attention.

At the intersection of body positivity, porn and perversion (somewhere outside Bristow, 7:05 PM)

I keep coming back to a thing that was said to me through the block over the weekend or whatever/whenever it was.

And I preface what's to come with 'yes, I know I talk a lot about sex work, but I'm dating/subbing to a sex worker, and have plans,so it matters to me.'

The person who blocked me *waves hi since I know you're trawling my feed anyway, you cheeky monkey* said that seeing a follower post a butt pic upset them because it just meant everyone else was right and all we are are perverts.

And this leads me down two paths.

Let's pick path a.

A) We have lived our lives ashamed of our bodies. We have had things happen to them we could not control, that we knew were wrong, saw the changes we expected happening to others, and learned very quickly to hate ourselves because of an accident of...uncontrolled variables.

And all of a sudden the right chemicals are flowing through us. And some of the damage is irreversible, but things shrink, things grow, skin changes, face changes, and...we start to learn there are not bad...actually, GOOD...things about us. And lets face it, we all crave affirmation. And it's affirmation we never got growing up. And here we are, with dozens if not hundreds of women just like us...most of whom are dating each other...and we all feel the same kinds of things.

Generally.

And we have a chance to finally get that affirmation. To feel a part of something. To belong, and be admired.

Desired, even.

So we post butt pix or boob pix or nudes or lewds or tastefully artistic boudoir photos. These don't make us perverts, unless you feel the human body is perverted. They make us finally feeling some self love and wanting to share that.

And it's fucking beautiful.

Now, let's go to path b.

B) There is nothing wrong with sex work.

And for a lot of us, it's at the very least a secondary source of income, if not a primary one. and it's brilliant.

Wanna know why?

Of course you do, you saw sex and kept reading.

For one, it gives us agency. We can set our own rules, work our own hours., do things we want to do, most often with people we want to do them with. For a lot of us, it means owning the means of production and the thing produced. and providing it direct to the purchaser. For another, there is nothing morally wrong with sex work. And this is an area that seems to be the toughest one to deal with. It's the result of puritanical upbringing, melanged with a society that renders women second class, that frightens people to the point that...

When a woman declares agency and ownership of her body, people freak.

This becomes more evident when you look at the number of trans women who have done any kind of sex work. and there's a lot of them/us. but it's a place where there's way less hate, discrimination...

Potential pay parity, and so much more.

Yeah, we're still marginalised...forex, ManyVids does not include trans stuff on their main twitter account, relegating it to a separate MV trans account. but when the most artistic stuff is coming direct from the creator...it becomes a situation where better means of supporting those creators becomes the hurdle, not the creators or product itself.

I love my girlfriend...that's very evident here on twitter. and I love what she's gonna be doing. It makes her happy, gives her control, she gets to work with neat people. Heck, we've talked about me doing some stuff with her. But it's been great for me too because it's helped me learn to see myself and my body as things of value. And that's amazing.

I have so many friends who are sex workers, and all y'all are amazing. I love being tangential to the community, talking with y'all, being friends, and hopefully some day doing some work with you if it comes to that (which i hope it does). But what I see in each of these amazing women is so much complexity and brilliance and artistry.

And so much pride in what they do.

And it's stuff most people don't see, because they're focused on OMG TRANS WOMEN ARE PERVERTS THEY'RE ALL PORN PERFORMERS EWW.

And, like...yeah? What if they are?

What if we are?

Ain't no thing.

Sex is good. Ethical porn is good. breaking barriers and stereotypes and taking ownership are hot and sexy and so empowering.

And it's...self love.

And that's something we all need more of.

So, am I a bad tran? Yep.

Am I a pervert? Oh honey if you only knew.

Am I a bad person? Fuck no.

And that's what trans porn twitter has taught me...along with bringing me an amazing perfect girlfriend I am proud to belong to.

/thread.