Trans 101 With Julie: On The Care And Feeding Of Your Trans Friends

Hello and welcome back to Trans 101 with Julie.

After two weeks of screaming into the void, I'd really like to try and bring things back to more of a...centered, grounded area, I guess. There is a LOT I could be ranting about here (specifically Tina Fey's white feminist/white liberal bit on Weekend Update/SNL on 18 August), but I'd rather turn inward and take a slightly different tack this time around.

So here's a fact:

Living while trans is an act of resistance.

Here's another:

Living while trans is the act of a radical.

People refuse to recognise or respect our existence and identity. We're called mentally ill (well, actually, we're called sick, demented, crazy, insane, lunatics, degenerates), depraved, rapists, autogynephiles (that is, men who derive sexual pleasure from being women...a 'condition' that DOES NOT EXIST), confused about our identities...the list goes on. People tell us we have to expose what we are...yet when we come out, we lose homes, families, friends, jobs...and often our lives. And for as much as these things impact me...they impact trans women of colour a billionty and eleven times harder.

Right now, at this point in history and in this country, we are under siege. We're every bit as targeted by the neo-confederates and Nazis (no neo there...they are Nazis pure and simple) as other marginalised groups...we are targeted by hate groups dedicated to getting us all on tables to be electrocuted into 'normalcy.' Finally, we are targeted by the government, which is currently in a step by step process seemingly designed to lead to our complete disenfranchisement, dehumanisation, and eventual removal of citizenship and re-education.

And I'm not really joking here.

The point is, we're under extreme amounts of pressure. And we do what we always do...we pull inward, look after our own, care for each other and counsel and support...often to our extreme detriment. Burnout comes fast, and I speak with experience on that as well.

What's the point?

I'll tell you.

There are a number of things you (yes you!) can be doing right now to help the trans guy or girl...or enby...or pangender...or genderfluid...or agender...or...in your life. These are all super easy things, and you may not think any of them are that big a deal, trust me...for us, these are...well, they're practically life saving.

Here we go...without further ado, Julie's Hints And Tips For The Care And Feeding Of Your Trans Friends!

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1a) Call them!

Alternatively...

1b) Message them!

This seems silly. 'But Julie, I talk to my friend all the time,' you say. And I am sure you do, because you are a kind and decent human being. But this isn't just a typical 'Hi!' kind of message we're talking about right now.

Let me give you a few examples of the kinds of messages I am referring to:

“Hey...just wanted to check in...”

“Hey there...I wanted to make sure you're taking care of yourself. Are you drinking plenty? Eating?”

“Hey... just checking in and letting you know I care and hope you're hanging in there.”

There are two themes here. The first is this: all of these are actual messages I've gotten from friends checking in on me. Theme two is this: each message expresses concern in a manner that invites engagement and doesn't demand it. It's not small talk. It's not a random hi like I might get any day of the week. It's active and establishing a desire for connection...yet it does not force the recipient to reply if they are unable to.

When I reach terminal overload, several things happen, either in quick succession or simultaneously: I withdraw. I go non verbal. I alternate not being able to sleep and sleeping all the time. I stop drinking and eating. I stop taking my medications. Obviously none of these things are good individually...in tandem they are nearly guaranteed to cause physical breakdown, illness...and worse.

Often, having someone outside me ask me these things is enough to break me out of the cycle long enough in order to think about self-care that I can get up and grab something small, even if it's just a slice of peanut butter bread and some water. That can be the impetus to come out enough to allow someone to help me more directly. I'm not saying it works for everyone, but it works for me. Reaching out, expressing care and worry in a non judgmental manner, is one of the smallest yet most human things you can do for your trans friend right now (any time really, but especially right now). We'll remember these things...and they'll mean the world to us. Trust is a hard thing for us to give anyone, even in the best of times...but little acts of kindness help a lot.

At the same time...sometimes, having someone on the other end of the phone (or VoIP connection, or what have you) is all I need to open up a little and let things go emotionally. Many are the times someone asks if they can call...or in my better moments, if I can call them...and as soon as I hear their voice the levee breaks and I cry uncontrollably for the duration of the call. If you are someone your trans friend truly trusts and is open with, you need to know this may or will happen. Don't run from this...it IS a big responsibility, but it is also a huge gift to have someone trust you enough to be raw and vulnerable like that. Treat it with the care that it deserves, because it's a massive gift.

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2) Stop by (with consent and advance warning, of course)

When I am overwhelmed, as I said above, I start shutting down hardcore. I've done days where I don't get out of bed. Yes, I know I have depression, and it may be easy to try and equate this with that. I'm sure it contributes, and I would never try and say otherwise. I also know people have seen me as I start to overstimulate and become overwhelmed, and know they've had to lead me out of rooms because I literally could not move on my own.

So as part of your check in, you could gently offer to stop by. Offer to watch movies together. Suggest a safe outing somewhere where you can get away a little. These may not be possible, and again, I'm not suggesting that these are 100% guaranteed to work options. For example, I have been known to be terrified to be alone yet not wanting another person anywhere near me. That makes it hard. But times like that I'd likely be OK with someone coming over and doing stuff on their own in the same room as me as long as they didn't force me to be involved. Just knowing someone is there and I'm a bit safer than I was is a huge relief.

Stress does hella weird things to you, obviously, and everyone needs different things when they're dealing with the slow, inexorable, entropic decay of civilisation and the universe. If you know someone well enough that you'd be hanging out regularly, you'll have a rough idea the kinds of things your friend needs. Tailor it to that.

Don't freak out if you visit and we break down crying. Realise that...well, I said it just above, so I'll just reiterate it here, because repetition is not necessarily a bad thing:

“If you are someone your trans friend truly trusts and is open with, you need to know this may or will happen. Don't run from this...it IS a big responsibility, but it is also a huge gift to have someone trust you enough to be raw and vulnerable like that. Treat it with the care that it deserves, because it's a massive gift.”

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3) Food.

This ties into the previous two, and really isn't a cry for free meals.

We get stressed. We forget to eat. Yes, you can laugh, but think back to times in your life when stress has hit you so bad that you don't know up from down, left from right. I bet you can think of a good few times when the last thing on your mind is food...cooking it, or eating it, or whatever.

Well, believe me, your friend (who is also conveniently in this case and for this essay trans) is just like you. They're stressed. They're freaking out because of what the government is doing. They're terrified because more trans people are being murdered this year than last year which was more than the year before which was...you get it. They're getting hit by more directed hate than in recent memory. Randos are sending them hate mail, death threats, rape threats, rape AND murder threats, hateful memes, etc. And food is the last thing on our minds.

Welp, you just got told 'Yeah, I really could use some company.' And you told them 'Listen, don't worry about cleaning I know you're under a lot right now I understand it's OK' and they kind of sighed and said 'thank you' quietly.

On the way over, stop off and pick up something they like.

Or make something in advance (something easy to re-heat or portion out) and bring it with you.

It's a huge act of kindness.

It may be the first thing we've eaten in days.

It gives you both something to bond over.

And if you, say, make a tray of lasagna or mac and cheese or some sort, you've made it so they don't have to make food for a few days...they can scoop out a bowl and nuke it, or cut a piece and nuke it (or if their name is Julie, eat it cold too cos Italian is always good cold) and get some much needed nutrition in. It's a selfishly selfless way for you to help...you'll feel good, they'll feel good, and you can have a quiet meal and both feel a little better afterwards.

If you can't cook...well, there are still plenty of options. Pick up a frozen lasagna or something similar. But cook it before coming over, otherwise it may sit in our freezer for months...or we'll just sit it in the fridge til it's defrosted and eat it without cooking. Grab some cans of soup or Chef Boyardee...stuff that doesn't require a lot of prep. Stop at Taco Bell or Wendy's. If there is ever a time where junky food is an acceptable option, it's right now...tho having said that, a couple 99 cent burgers from McD's have more protein and stuff in them than any other food at the same price, so...

I'm not trying to say we're helpless.

I AM trying to say that in moments like this, we may need more help than we're willing to admit to.

So ask. And then do.

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4) Ask permission.

This is key with any thing you do right now.

Ask us.

Ask us if you can call. Ask us if you can stop over. Ask us if we've eaten/been drinking proper fluids/taking our meds. Ask us what we need. Ask us these things without prejudice or judgment. Don't order. Don't ever order. Don't ever demand.

And be gentle.

Again, I am sure this seems very...well, very 'why does she even have to say this?'

But here's the fact of the matter: when we are in DEFCON 1 status, even a normally asked question can sound like condemnation. We're hyper-vigilant. We're on alert. And while I am not suggesting that we need to be coddled or babied, tone and delivery is important...basically, like your momma always said, 'Not not what you said...it's how you said it.'

So ask us these things.

Ask us if we want a hug. We may not be up for that. Hell, we may not want you to hug us cos we haven't showered in a week and we won't want our funk on you. Or maybe we're so stressed out that our skin hurts, and contact will literally cause us to cry in pain. Asking shows awareness. It shows concern. It shows compassion and caring. Finally, it shows that you are trying to be attentive and not overbearing, and those are all things that mean the world to us.

Ask us if there's things we need help with. I know so much of this seems to be me saying 'I am incapable of caring for myself, please take over,' but that's not the case at all. In these situations we MAY be literally incapable of caring for ourselves...or we may just need a little bit of engine priming before we can get back up with someone's help and start trying to reassemble some kind of framework. Be that support. It's what friends do. It's what human beings do.

So ask. And respect the response you get.

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5) Don't tag us in.

Let me explain this one.

Call our (and I guess the inverse is...call in?) culture is big. We see something that's offensive/sexist/racist/homophobic/transmisist/misogynistic/etc., and we want to be good human beings and put that person on blast. We want to challenge them, challenge their hateful views and opinions. It's right to do this, and we all need to do more of it.

What we don't need to do is tag in someone from one of those communities to bring their attention to it.

You doing this achieves a number of things, and none of them are good:

a) It smacks of wanting cookies or brownie points or gold stars for LOOK HOW GOOD AN ALLY I AM

b) It reminds us yet again that people hate us, see us as less than human, and they want nothing more than for us to disappear, possibly permanently.

c) It shows us that you really don't understand us in any way shape or form.

d) It makes us wonder if we can trust you.

e) It causes us to withdraw from you.

f) It causes us to question if our other friends are just like this.

Post all you want on your FB/Twitter/Tumblr/whatever about this. But ask people if they want tagged in/called in on it. And honestly, don't ask us. Some of us are angry enough that we'd do it anyway, and likely are already aware that the thing you want us to see is there...in fact, chances are we saw it before you. The plain and simple fact of the matter is we're honestly too focused on the hundreds of bits of hate we get lobbed at us every day in real life and on line from strangers to then have a friend doing the same under the guise of LOOK HOW HORRIBLE THESE PEOPLE ARE OMG

Be a friend.

Protect us.

And for the love of god, Montressor...don't play the 'I have a trans friend, and they...' card. That card gets played by the other side ALL THE TIME. It's shit, and used as a way to try and weaken arguments against their hate. Don't do this because you have a trans friend...or do, for all I care. Just, don't say you're doing it because you have a trans friend. Do it because you're a human being and human beings take care of the marginalised and protect them from the oppressor.

In the saying and the doing, we are not fragile glass sculptures to be kept in a locked menagerie...but we are human, and humans are allowed to be many things. Right now, in our current sociopolitical environment, that does mean we're at a higher risk of things. You may be the biggest thing keeping your friend going, and all it takes is a couple small acts of basic decency and humanity to make all the difference. In a time of hate, a small act of love can make all the difference to one person.

Be that act of love.

See you next time, friends.

Shantih shantih shantih.