i wanna talk a little bit about the dynamic Miss and i have for a variety of reasons, not least of which is because i think it's really good an important for subs to share these stories. the more voices and angles the better, right?
(also i have an article in mind right now and i want to woodshed/workshop a little. i'm allowed...it's my twitter feed.)
so, Miss and i have been together for just over 11 months now as a couple, and we kind of codified the initial phases of the D/s side of our relationship on the 14 man 2018. it was an easy choice for me to make, really...comfortable and safe and right.
W/we're long distance right now, tho W/we know that will change. time takes time. it gets closer though.
the opening phases were very much like the beginning of any relationship...learning more about each other, what we want, what we need, what's not good, what's VERY good. those first weeks were kind of eye opening, and honestly there was some very awesome boundary pushing stuff that i never thought i'd be ok with doing, but which i discovered i liked a lot. and i know i could have safeworded out of anything at any time...there's no pressure.
recently W/we moved to more of a full time type thing across the distance. it serves a lot of different purposes really:
1) it offers me structure and direction, things i am notoriously bad at.
2) She says it offers Her structure too, and i believe Her
3) it gives me certain tasks i need to do every day. they're all basic, a lot of people would say, but i often forget them on my own.
4) these tasks make me feel closer to Her, because She is telling me to self care
5) because each has a required checkin, there's added layers of communication, which i love and need
6) if i forget, or come up short, there are consequences.
7) after i do what is then asked as recompense, i'm forgiven completely and W/we move on.
that last part is important.
i am not used to healthy, interdependent relationships...it's really been only since i started transition and stuff that i've had any kind of positive relationship in my life. funny how stripping the lies that were your life helps you, isn't it?
forgiveness...real forgiveness...is something i never saw as i grew up. everything came with a provision or a condition. that doesn't happen here. i mean, it wasn't a thing before all this either, but...She doesn't say, a month later, something like, oh...
"hey remember when you forgot to do (x) 3 weeks ago? how could you be so stupid? jesus wept."
(this is a thing i literally was told by someone in the past)
mistakes, no matter what, are handled, corrected, and W/we both move on.
(She does...i keep beating myself up some...(what can i say...old habits.)
point is, even tho we're in different states, these tasks bring me closer to Her. they make me feel like i am looked after, directed, structured. cared for. protected. safe. i can't do for Her if i don't do for myself. i can't serve if i'm sick. or dehydrated. or anything else.
while not required of me, i keep a journal. i track everything in there...my checkins, when i take meds and eat. i keep a food journal, so W/we can go back over it and adjust my diet and stuff. i track my moods and emotional state. i write other things in there too...little devotionals or reminders about anniversaries or things She said to me. it's a physical reminder of Her presence. and i see it as a contract, really...all these are things i agreed to willingly and enthusiastically. i saw their value. their necessity. i'm sure over time i'll have other things to do in there...lines if i've been bad or whatever.
really, it's a record and diary of my submission and Her Dominance.
while i kind of characterise my relationship with Her as 24/7...because all these guidelines kind of keep me there...i am not beneath Her. i have agency, i have the freedom to speak, W/we can discuss and adjust everything. that's healthy. that's what D/s should be.
i've known i was a submissive for decades...but actually living it, being it safely and properly...is a much different thing.
yes, i wear Her training collar right now. and that has always been a connector. but moving to this...i admit it was scary.
24/7 is a thing that...i never thought possible (then again, a LOT i never thought possible is or has been, so...caveat my emptor). and i was terrified of screwing it up big time. once you have the thing you've wanted dangled in front of you and within reach...you fear its loss. i was terrified one mistake would ruin it...my past and history as an abuse survivor kicking in. the last week or two has shown that not to be the case...the opposite really. i've accidentally slipped up twice. and i've paid.
and each time, when i am done?
She tells me i'm a good girl. and that i'm forgiven.
and that's it.
over the last 11 months my biggest issue has been fear of messing up and misstepping...my past has me be over-cautious and treat things with kid gloves and like walking on eggshells. i'm learning i don't need to...and i can be honest and open...and that i have to stop being so serious, even tho some things need and deserve seriousness. that's a thing She is teaching me, even if i am a slow learner.
the baseline for everything W/we do is communication...it's always been, especially as we're both polyam/relationship anarchists (i like that second term a lot, even if it doesn't really work as a descriptor for me). W/we talk about stuff because W/we have to. i think it's actually a boon in many ways to have this overlap between polyam and D/s tpe...they both require so many of the same things, so it's easy to have some structure already in place for the shift to more serious stuff.
i'm really lucky in that respect...as well as the fact that there are so many other things W/we share in common, like interests in movies, anime, music, science fiction, things W/we studied, and more. W/we have a relationship that exists beyond the D/s, one which is equally if not in ways more important than the D/s and play. the point here is...W/we work at it, and our dynamic grows and becomes more interwoven every day. as a lover of ritual, the rules and checkins help me SO MUCH. they're patterns i can repeat that bring me closer, that help me be better for Her, that help me be what She wants and expects of me.
and it's amazing.
and beautiful.
and right.
and...this is what works for U/us. it's not one size fits all. but it's perfect for where W/we are right now, and i'm excited for what it means and where it leads.
and i'll follow...to the left and one step behind.
always.
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