Let's face it, people...right now, life is rough. We're not even 10 days in on an administration that is dead set and determined to try and tear apart every bit of progress that our society has made over the last 8 or so years. Believe me, I understand all too well how much it sucks, I feel what you're feeling, and I will neither tell you you're wrong for feeling what you feel, nor will I tell you to stop feeling it. All your feelings are valid and appropriate, and this is a space you can definitely know that it's safe to be yourself.
Now, having said that...there are small things we can do for ourselves and for each other that will help. Maybe this will only be in small ways, mind...but sometimes, small beautiful events are what life is all about. So, having said that...
...let's talk about affirmations.
Affirmations come...can come...from all sorts of directions. It's wonderful, of course, to have someone outside you affirm your existence positively, but right now, we need to find those affirmations for ourselves more than ever. I'm going to discuss some of the things I've done, and do, and while individually these may seem tiny, and in some cases very much reinforcing of the binary, they are things that make me feel (usually) a thousand times better than I did before.
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1) Heels.
OK. I know. Walking in heels can hurt. I know, trust me. 6 or 8 hours in heels and I feel it. I get it.
But.
There is a sense of power for me every time I hear the sound that a heel makes when it comes down. It's a series of little affirmations that remind me that I'm so strong that I will allow myself to be myself...that I will not let anyone stop me from becoming more wholly every day the person I am. In a way, it's very like the sound of plates of armour clanking as a knight moves forward. It's a sound of strength. It's my armour.
I have a pair of black strappy pumps that my dear friend Sara gifted me (along with a awesome pair of Nike running shoes, which are my day to day shoes these days), and a pair of black ankle boots. Right now, being winter, the ankle boots get worn whenever I have the opportunity to. They're comfy, and they look good, and honestly, in my finer moments, I will go as far as to say they make my legs and ass look great. And while I went through a period when I started wearing heels that I tried my damnedest to not bring attention to me wearing them, now? I make sure I'm heard.
It doesn't hurt that I'm like 6 foot 2, 6 foot 3 when I'm in heels.
So yes...heels are a biggie. And no, I don't have to wear them all the time. I don't feel the need to. But I feel great when I wear them. And the thing is...like for anyone else...I get to CHOOSE if I want to wear them. And having that choice feels great.
2) Makeup.
Bout...2 years ago, I think, I went to spend the day in Frenchtown NJ with my friend Sara. I'd been out to her for a long time, but I had decided to actually go out in public wearing some makeup for the first time. I don't remember a lot about that day, save that it was amazing in every way. I think that might have been the day of the magical fairy unicorn dress, but...
Makeup is huge. It really is.
For SO many of us, it's the first thing we can do for ourselves that allows us to feel even a little bit more like us. A little eye-shadow...a very pale lipstick...even clear nail polish. No one might even see it, or comment on it, but when we go out in public...again, it's like a halo of protection. It's that step towards ourselves.
So often trans women find themselves caught between Scylla and Charybdis...if we play up to the binary and act/look very femme, we're mocked for being the stereotype uberfemme, and thus are clearly just playing a fetish. How and ever, if we don't, we're not making the effort and obviously aren't who we say we are. Eve though there's 3, 520, 000, 000 ways to be a woman (hey, that's roughly the number of women in the world today how about that?), we have to be one way. But not too much that way.
Can you follow that? Because I can't.
I love makeup. I love having my nails done. I love wearing eye-shadow and mascara. And my rue of thumb for lipstick is 'everything darker than everything else,' a.k.a. 'How much more dark can it be? And the answer is none. None more dark.' You've seen it here in my selfies. Dark eyes, dark lips, call me Báthory Erzsébet.
I also keep my nails cut super short...in part because of the work I do, in part because my nails are fragile and chip easily, but also because I like short nails and think mine look even more great when they're short. There may be other functional reasons for it (cough cough), but...short nails, yo. And sometimes I only do eye-shadow. I'm still learning eyeliner...and for every one time I get it right, there's 10 times threatening my eyeliner brush that I'll sacrifice it to someone if it doesn't get its act together.
Friday, I posted that I'd been struggling emotionally, and I had a psych appointment that morning. I dragged myself to the bathroom, 'scaped my face, and did eye-shadow and lips, and when I was brushing my hair before tailing it, looked in the mirror and seriously did a double take before saying 'Hmm...I almost look presentable today.' Sometimes that's all it takes to get myself out of the ditch.
It's...it's a way for me to mentally prepare myself for the day, and affirm to the outside world as well as to ME that I am who I am. And it may be a small thing to you, but to me? It's huge.
3) Bras/Lingerie.
OK OK OK.
If you think this is gonna get all saucy, you can just reel in your expectations right now, Sunny Jim or Jane. Me not that kind of Orc...
Um...
I mean...
Well, OK, I AM that kind of girl, but that is neither here nor there.
Let me start up top, OK?
All of her life, Julie has had gynecomastia. That's almost a misnomer in this case cos, you know, Hi I'm Julie I'm a girl, but...Julie has been boobilicious for a decent swath of her life. Meds have really only served to make what my mama gave me a bit more bountiful than they were naturally. I have more than a handful, and I would love them to be more than a handful plus, but...we're working on it, OK? Point is, Julie can wear a bra. And she does.
Now, I know what a lot of you may think. Y'all can't stand them, and can't wait to take them off at the end of the day. I won't lie, after 8 hours I often feel the same way. But...considering what I've gone through to get here...consider that for me, getting to wear one is FUCKING HUGE. Knowing it's on under my shirt or hoodie? You have NO idea how nice it feels, how it makes me feel inside. Despite what I have I do boost the girls up a little with two small silicone cutlets...nothing egregious like I see for some people, but just a little bit. And it's just...
How to explain?
OK. I run from work to 7-11 for a coke Slurpee, because I am a delicate feminine flower that requires coke Slurpees to survive. And I can feel the little bit of pull. And I can look down and see some bounce. And there are times, and I am not embarrassed to admit this, there are times that I will stand in place and hop on my heels a little just because of that bounce and pull. And it's such a huge boost for me. It's massive to look down and see the outline of breasts under my shirt. It's amazing to sit in my room after work in sweats and my bra and just feel...one with everything. It's the most natural thing in the world. It's something that feels 100% right. And maybe it's because it's something I had to come by on my own that I feel so strongly about this, but...there it is.
The same can be said for other bits of fundament. Obviously I have fitting complications that aren't taken into consideration when it comes to fit and stuff, but wearing something cute and maybe a little sexy can mean a world of difference for me emotionally. Wearing knickers or a bra or whatever isn't something sexual (unless, of course, I am wearing them when I am having super happy fun time with she who has chosen me)...I'm not a fetishist who gets her jollies by wearing cross-gendered undies...mostly because these aren't cross-gendered, they're correct gendered and why do clothes even have genders anyway have any of us asked them how they like to be gender identified I think NOT ladles and jellyspoons and other dining utensils that are neither ladles nor jellyspoons I mean come on REALLY.
(breathes)
Point is, it helps me feel more like me. It's another form of armour. And I realise I keep coming back to armour as a metaphor for these affirmative things, which seems very militant. Thing is, they are protective for me. I know that they off-balance people who aren't sure who or what I am. I know from experience that when I am out with friends and I have gone the full mile (hair, makeup, skirt, boots, etc.) the majority of people who pass me don't pay a second more notice than I think they would anyone else. If I'm wearing jeans and my pink hoodie, no hair, but makeup, there are looks...and I don't care. No one says anything, or if they do they mutter quietly enough that I don't hear. And if that unbalances them enough that they keep silent, then the armour worked.
Besides...do you really want to mess with the 6 foot 3 in heeled boots, 200 pound red-haired Valkyrie threatening you with a plastic spork?
I think not.
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Here's another thing:
Each of these has brought me more confidence in other ways.
When I was a teenager, and experimenting with makeup for the first time, I was scared to death of even looking at the makeup department at the store for fear that someone would figure me out. You do not want to know the number of absolutely horrific colour choices I made in my misspent youth trying to get in and out as fast as possible...going to stores 30 miles away so I'd never have to go back there again...
Now?
Fuck that...I stomp into the makeup aisle at CVS and fuck with everything. Yeah, I'm buying an eye-shadow palette...you got a problem with that? Well, you should say something...because let me tell you, those colours are totally wrong for you, and I have some recommendations.
Shoes...you don't want to know how many heart attacks I had trying to sneak to try them on without someone noticing the 'guy' is trying on a pair of knee high boots. Admittedly, my last boots I bought online, but I have no fear now.
Same with lingerie. I'm not bothered when I'm trying to pick knickers that I like. Next time I need new bras? Pfft, go ahead and stare. They're nice now and they're gonna get even nicer with spiro and estrogen.
Am I like this all the time?
Hell no.
There are days that none of this helps. There are days I don't want to get out of bed. There are days I just want t hide away from everything and everyone, where even the sound of my voice reminds me how I know the rest of the world sees me even in the absence of evidence to prove that. None of these affirmations are 100% foolproof for me.
But they help.
They help so much.
And as awesome as it is when a friend says something nice about a selfie I posted...the momentary feeling of looking at that pic and saying 'You know...I see me there.' linger. And I can go back, and look at those pictures when I am feeling particularly down, and remember how I felt at that moment.
And that is the best affirmation of all.
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Thanks for reading along with me today, and I hope you come away with a bit better understanding of some of the things I use to help build me up on some days.
I'll see you back here next time for more Trans 101 with Julie
(This is posted under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-NC-SA 4.0) license with the intent that you may share it if you have found it informative, helpful, or enlightening. You may use extracts, properly attributed, as part of your work as long is it is openly shared under similar license.)
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