Hello and welcome back to Trans 101 With Julie. Today, we're gonna hit some potentially rougher ground. For many of you...perhaps most of you...out there, all of this will seem like common sense, because they're similar to the kinds of questions you wouldn't asked of you. However, saying this...there tends to be so much misinformation out there about us that sometimes the questions come out no matter what. In most cases, they're intended harmlessly, but remember...intent does not always mitigate hurtfulness.
Some of these are questions I've been asked before, some of them I haven't, but I can respond to all of them because I know some day I will get them.
And now, with the divine sainted Tori singing in my right ear, let's begin.
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1) When did you know you were a girl?
I get it. I really do. When you are cisgender (that is to say, you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth and there is no conflict), the idea of 'changing' gender is incredibly alien. And so often, there's a follow up question that comes with this, but we'll be getting to that one next.'
But here's the thing...there's no one answer.
I could answer for me, but the actual answer is irrelevant. Some trans men/women know from an exceptionally young age that their assigned gender does not match who they are. Others may fight it for years...decades even. Some don't have a fight at all, but slowly come to the realisation that something isn't right. There's no one tried and true answer. And no matter what age someone is when they come to the realisation that there is disconnect between assigned gender and inner knowledge, they are trans. One is not more truly trans if they knew at 5 or 6 rather than in their 30s or later.
For me...well, if you read through my feed, and some of my previous notes...you'll see some of the moments of realisation I've had over the years. The fact that I am * mutters * years old and only now able to begin the chemical side of my transition does not make me less of a woman. It means that I've had a metric merde tonne of shit happen to me (cancer, psychological abuse, heart attack, bilateral pneumonia stem cell transplant) that's kept me time and time again from actually starting this process. I've been fighting for a VERY long time to get to the point I am at, and I won't allow anyone to judge me for this, nor will I allow them to denigrate or diminish me for any of this.
On the other side of the plate...
Younger kids can certainly know that they are a different gender than that which they were assigned at birth. Denying them a chance to understand and be taken care of medically properly is tantamount to child abuse. At the VERY least, the introduction of puberty blockers can offer a welcome and safe (VERY reversible) way for a family to take the time to make sure this is a decision that is right for the child, with the FULL cooperation and involvement of the child. Puberty blockers work amazingly well, their results are reversible, and they will not cause sterility or infertility; they will also inhibit the development of secondary sexual characteristics (broadening shoulders/face/jawline/facial hair/male pattern pubic hair/external genitalia development, or in reverse breast development/uterine/vaginal development, widening of hips/etc.), allowing a child to more easily transition if transition is the right course for THEM.
Not for the parent.
Who will hopefully continue to love their healthy child, and not mourn the dead one when having to live a lie causes them to suicide.
The internalised transaggression of 'I'm 35 and I just realised I'm trans...I can't be because people know when they are younger' is bullshit, and too many people say it to themselves. Too many people have it said to them, both by people outside the community as, sadly, people inside the community.
Being trans is not one size fits all (but One Size Fits All is an awesome Zappa album. Digression over). No judging. Or at least, there shouldn't be any judging.
2) Well, if you identify as a girl, I can identify as a toaster, right?
Ha ha ha. You're funny. I have NEVER heard that one before.
Except I have. And multiple times a day, at that.
This is one of those questions that are intended to stab at the idea that trans men and women are mentally unwell, because you can't identify as a toaster so how can you identify as a gender you're not?
There's two angles to this.
Firstly, gender is not sex. They are interrelated, but correlation is not causation. Sex is what's between your legs. Gender is what's between your ears. Having a penis or a vagina is not a requirement for being a man or a woman. Not only that, but resorting to such a demarcated black and white binary ignores the existence of intersexed people, people born with ambiguous genitalia...people who are valid and matter every bit as much as binary men and women.
The other angle is the mental illness/psychological disorder one, which is really what they're hitting at. If they can deny your identity by assuring that you're really suffering from a disorder, they can deny you entirely.
The DSM-V has other things to say about that. The 2013 edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders greatly expanded upon and clarified the older accepted diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder, adding in Gender Dysphoria as well.
To explain further:
“ In the old DSM-IV, GID (gender identity disorder) focused on the “identity” issue — namely, the incongruity between someone’s birth gender and the gender with which he or she identifies. While this incongruity is still crucial to gender dysphoria, the drafters of the new DSM-5 wanted to emphasize the importance of distress about the incongruity for a diagnosis. (The DSM-5 uses the term gender rather than sex to allow for those born with both male and female genitalia to have the condition.)
This shift reflects recognition that the disagreement between birth gender and identity may not necessarily be pathological if it does not cause the individual distress, said Robin Rosenberg, a clinical psychologist and co-author of the psychology textbook “Abnormal Psychology” (Worth Publishers, 2009). For instance, many transgender people — those who identify with a gender different than the one they were assigned at birth — are not distressed by their cross-gender identification and should not be diagnosed with gender dysphoria, Rosenberg said.” (Gender Dysphoria: DSM-5 Reflects Shift In Perspective On Gender Identity, Huffington Post 4 June 2013)
What does this mean? In part, it shows an evolution in thought and understanding of gender identity, complete with the knowledge that patients may not feel distress over their gender identity because they are distressed over identifying as a gender they were not assigned...that the distress comes from having to conform to their assigned gender rather than the one they are. That is to say, it is not the conflict of gender identity vs. physical sex that causes things such as anxiety, depression, etc., but rather the outside world. External vs. Internal.
This is very much like the situation 40 years ago that led to the removal of homosexuality as a psychological disorder from the manual.
“The concept underlying eliminating homosexuality from the DSM was recognizing that you can be homosexual and psychological healthy or be homosexual and psychologically screwed up. Being homosexual didn’t have to be the issue,” Rosenberg said.
This change irritates the hell out of transphobes, TERFs and the like...if you can't deny someone based on a psychological disorder that's not there, you have to find more difficult points to deny from. Sadly, this change doesn't stop them, really.
3) When are you going to have 'the surgery'?/Have you had 'the surgery'?/Do you want to have 'the surgery'?
Guys.
GUYS.
Guise.
(guys)
Seriously...this is one of the rudest questions ever. It ranks up there with 'Wow when's the baby due?' to a stranger. It ranks with walking up to a black woman with awesome braids and asking if you can touch them.
People...we are not our genitals. And for some of us, our genitals are an incredibly sore subject. There's a reason some of us wear binders or gaffs. There's a reason we look forward to anti-androgens and estrogen. Yeah, the secondary sex characteristic and development is great...but once we (I) start reducing my testosterone level, guess what? I don't think about what I may or may not have down there. It's literally sometimes not even an afterthought...it's a no thought.
And do you know what?
It's FUCKING beautiful to not think about it.
And then you walk up and clock me as transgender, and ask me if I've had the surgery. I'm already upset that I don't even slightly pass if you come to me and treat me like a man in a dress, and then you remind me of the fact that between my legs there's something that doesn't belong there.
Wanna know why we sit here and say 'cishets suck?'
Read the above.
You don't ask. Ever. Unless you are sharing a bed with us, or are in a relationship with us, our genitalia is absolutely no business of yours ever. If we elect to talk to you about it, know that we are extending a huge amount of trust to you. And you damn well better never betray that trust. We're already leery of sharing anything out of fear of being exposed...if someone we thought we could trust betrays us, it can be crushing and potentially life threatening.
4) What's your real name?
My real name is what I tell you it is.
'No, I mean what's your REAL name?'
What I tell you it is.
End of.
Period.
'No, I mean...what was your name when you were born?'
* deep breath *
OK.
Our names are our names. When we pick our names, we put a lot of thought into them. They mean something to us...either because they indicate things we like (flowers, a character from a TV show we love, a historical figure we respect or consider a role model, etc.), or because they disconnect us completely from our past, allowing us to create a complete new start for us. Some of us have horrific memories attached with our old names, and want to get away from them. For others it's a reminder of depression and upset from the issues that came externally (or internally) from being trans. There are a million reasons why names matter, and all of them are valid.
When you ask us our deadnames, you are literally asking us to dredge up a body...a life...we wish to leave behind. You are asking us to bring back memories that cause us hurt. Or, you are asking us to deny who we are to satisfy your morbid curiosity.
For me...I am not ashamed of my dead name. I am not ashamed of the history behind it...if I were, I would not have selected a feminine version of my assigned name for my chosen name. I'm not comfortable with that name, because the person I was was hard for me to come to grips with, and people who knew me then can vouch for how deep in the black I was. I am not ashamed of the things I experienced (I own my failures and the bad things I did), but I'd rather not continue to use a name that causes me discomfort.
My real name is Juliette Alexandria Knispel. Or Julie. Sometimes Juelz. Or Her Infernal Majesty. A bunch of you knew me under a different name, and none of you use it. That makes me happy. You all get cookies.
5) You know you'll never be a real woman, right?
As I formulate a way to answer this one, please watch me sharpen this spork. It's a more civilised weapon from a more civilised time.
OK.
This question is predicated on one massive assumption: all a woman is is a uterus. This diminishes ALL women to the point that they are just a pile of body parts that are intended to act as a life support system for a fetus.
So think about this.
ESPECIALLY if you're a woman.
Did you like it when all those politicians cast their doubt on rape because if it was real rape women's bodies have a way of shutting that thing down? How did you feel when you read articles from people denying your ability to choose because women have a sacred duty to have children? When you're told that even if you're raped you have to carry that child to term?
Did those things disgust you?
Do you feel you're more than your womb?
Then why do you feel someone who was not lucky enough to be born with a uterus, yet is absolutely 100% a woman, isn't a woman?
Diminishing a woman if she can't have a child, or because she can't bleed once a month...you diminish the womanhood of every post-menopausal woman in the world. You diminish the womanhood of every infertile woman out there...every woman who's had uterine cancer and had to have a hysterectomy, every woman who's had a tubal ligation to ensure they can't get pregnant again.
Listen...I would love to have a uterus and vagina and Fallopian tubes and ovaries, I would LOVE to have a menstrual period every 30 days plus or minus 5 days. And you laugh. I can hear you laughing. I can't understand the cramping and pain and blood and having to wear pads or tampons. But you know what? Having to deal with all of that would mean I actually had a body that matched who I know I am. And you may not get it because you've had this as part of your life all of your life but I have NEVER known this. You talk about it as if it is something that is quintessential for being a woman, and when we cry that we'll never know it, you mock us for that. You mock us for being pretend women, and then you mock us for WANTING to have the experiences you have, both the good and the bad.
We're not people wanting badly to be oppressed and then go home to our cushy lives and 2.5 kids and our suburban neighbours and our 2 car garage and flat screen tv and a blow job and 5 minutes of pumpy pumpy before the husband falls asleep and we have to finish the job with our friend the Hitachi Magic Wand. We long for the rest because it'd mean we're finally COMPLETE.
And not only don't you get it...you can't get it.
And it's honestly OK that you don't.
Just don't deny that for us it's a very real thing.
And yes, I use we throughout this section, and I'm using it as a generalisation because I also get that these experiences do NOT make us more of a woman, just as the lack of these experiences does not make us less of a woman. Additionally, I understand that not all transwomen feel the same way, because we do get that these experiences are not the cornerstone by which womanhood should be built. How and ever, in a world where cisgender is the 'norm,' couching it as we offers some sense of universality that I hope is helpful.
If it further helps, pretend that I wrote 'I' every time I used the word we. You don't like being reduced to a breeder, I don't like being reduced to not a woman because I can't breed. Crass, but honest.
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There are so many other questions that I could write about here. Unfortunately, I hamstrung myself when I titled this essay ' These Five Things I Know are True.' However, keeping in mind we're brushing up against the three thousand word mark already, I'd like to offer a bit of brevity at this point, as well as give myself space to return to this in the future with ' These Are Five More Things I Know are True' or something along those lines.
I do as always appreciate you reading through this, and I hope it was enlightening for you. Being able to navigate the choppy waters between curiosity and crassness can be difficult, because it's not so much a thin line as it is a blurry line that...also...happens to be thin. Or sometimes non-existent. Common sense and common decency are always the hallmarks, really...think about whether it's a question you'd want asked of you before asking it. If you think it'd upset you, perhaps you shouldn't ask it.
Basically...if you have to ask yourself if it's a good thing to ask, maybe you best not ask it.
Once again, thanks for reading, and I'll see you next time :-)
(This is posted under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-NC-SA 4.0) license with the intent that you may share it if you have found it informative, helpful, or enlightening. You may use extracts, properly attributed, as part of your work as long is it is openly shared under similar license.)
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