I'd laugh, but you wouldn't be able to hear me laugh.
You see, I'm not going to be talking about having sex. I'm not interested in discussing the mechanics of sex, and tabs a and b and slots c and d and so on. If that's the kind of thing you like, I'd recommend one of several free fic or vid sites (but really, you should be supporting the performers, and not stealing their work) and give this a wide berth.
If that's not what you're here for, then read on. Because I am going to talk about people's impressions of trans sexuality, the marketing of said same, and how Julie is incredibly hypocritical about certain things in some ways but not really but maybe.
A few installments ago I talked about labels and how we use them for good purposes, like self-identification and self-realisation, as well as building communities. I also talked some about their use in the world of professional sex work, e.g. the fact that a lot of trans erotica on the video side is marketed or identified as tranny or shemale porn. As we go along in this essay, I'll be offering up some comments and insight from one of my friends who works in the industry, in the hopes that it offers a more direct view than me speaking from the outside.
Let's start off with a few thesis points:
1) For many people, trans erotica is a major fetish.
2) For some people, transgender women and men in general are a major fetish.
3) Fetishes aren't bad...except when they are.
4) There are massive correlation dissonances dealing with hetero/homosexuality and fetishised transgender/transsexual men and women.
5) One of the largest sources of violence against trans men and women is internalised self loathing due to perceived homosexual activity on the part of the attacker.
6) Pejorative terms, such as the ones mentioned above, are used mainly as a methodology of advertising, even if/though some performers have no issue with identifying as such
7) A man having sex with a transwoman is not gay.
8) A woman having sex with a transman is not gay.
9) Gender does not equal orientation.
A number of these can be packaged together as we go along, but breaking them out helps to create some more easily digested points of reference. Additionally, if you are frequently scared by the lengths that some of my essays get, you can read those bullet points above and get a pretty good overview of all the things I'm going to say in a Cliff's Notes kind of manner, and thus impress your friends at the next office party with your sociological acumen.
A note of warning: I will be using frank language throughout this edition of Trans 101. It may not be work friendly. Additionally, I will put it right out there that I use slurs in here. They are words that get tossed at me and #GirlsLikeMe all the time. I don't use them otherwise. You should NEVER use them. Period. Seriously, I have a spork here with your name on it already waiting for you to fuck up. Listener discretion is advised. Julie is not responsible for any trouble you get into for reading this. All rights reserved. Void where prohibited. Past performance is not an indicator of future results.
So with that said, let's begin.
~~~//||\\~~~
Fetishes, as a rule, are not a bad thing. I know the ice cream analogy gets used a lot, and as much of a hoary warhorse as it is, I really do like it. There are many many flavours of ice cream, and some people like to stick with one or two old favourites. And that's awesome. Some people like lots of flavours, and likewise, that is fulled with awesome. And some people...well...they either like to mix loads of flavours together in a technicolour dreamcoat of sensory overload, or they go for the really weird umami flavours that seem to be the rage. And honestly? As long as they're happy, then it's good.
(By happy, I mean they are satisfied, the person they are with is satisfied, and everything is risk aware and consensual (RACK).)
Now, Julie does NOT kink shame. She does NOT fetish shame. You like role play? Woot! You like being tied upside down to your girlfriend's radiator while she plays Warhammer 40K: Dawn of War and bemoans the lack of inclusion of a playable Chaos Marine army? Go for it.
(Umm...yes. That is a very specific thing there. I have no idea where it came from but I'm leaving this here because, you know, I heard it was a thing and thus probably bore mentioning.
*coughs nervously*)
The point is, kinks and fetishes are a great way to change up your ice cream flavour, or add something on top of what you already enjoy. And generally speaking, they are not a bad thing at all. How and ever, while not being a psychologist (I just play one on TV), there is one thing that crosses the line between totally OK and very much not OK....and that's when you fetishise a person because of 'what' they are. This includes things like fetishising black men, Asian women, Latinx women, cultures as role play costumes...and trans men and women.
I want to let you in on a little secret here...and I know I am violating every guideline in The Transgender Agenda, 2017 Edition...as a transgirl? I kinda like being treated intimately as a human being. Y'all know I'm active and open here...I'm also active and open on Tweeter. And while it happens so much less here on FB, it's a far from uncommon occurrence for me to get a mention or a DM from someone along the lines of 'I like ur feed want fuck?' or 'can I suck your girlcock?'
Yes, I get unsolicited dick pix too.
Newsflash: none of them are ever impressive.
I know some of this is due to the anonymity of the internet, which fits into the Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory (individual + anonymity = drooling reprobate). I know some of it is due to male expectation that any girl in the world will fall to her knees at the mere mention of possibly being gifted with such a virile example of masculinity. I know some of it is due to them thinking, since I'm trans, I'll take anything I can get because I'm a) hopeless and b) obviously a slut who'll fuck anything in a 30 mile radius.
Welp.
My overall desire for sex is such that a light breeze can blow it away. It is honestly not a huge deal for me. I enjoy it, but I don't sit here drooling at the idea of getting hot and sweaty. It doesn't mean that I don't on occasion, but it's not a driving factor in any way. When I'm down, I'm all in, but otherwise I'm much more into a couch, tubs of ice cream...or a pizza, of which I'll get like 2 or 3 slices while the remaining 2/3 of the 'za will get eaten by someone else cough cough not that I have ANY experience with that do I...and watching Doctor Who. Intimacy means more to me that being raw dogged to the point that I'm screaming to be filled up.
And that's what guys seem to think we're all about. That somehow we've got no inhibitions, that we have no filters, that all they have to do is say hi and you're gonna just lunge at their crotch and gobble it all down.
I know a wide range of people, and I have a few really good friends who work in the adult industry, and specifically in the trans end of the industry. And they are amazingly open about what they enjoy, and not at all shy in talking about it. And they STILL don't cross who they are on screen with who they are off screen. Wanna know what we talk about? We talk about Star Trek. And opera. And J-RPGs. And building model kits. We congratulate each other on tranniversaries and hormoneversaries and new housemates and everything else. They don't look at me askance because I don't cam or stuff...I'm just a friend. I love what they do, I support it where and when I can because they deserve it. But they're human beings...and pretty damned awesome ones.
And I see them post something, and 90% of the messages are...what you'd expect.
And I know they expect that...and honestly, I do too. Because on the rare occasions I've been gently coerced or nudged by them to post a recent selfie, I get it too. Because we're seen as a coveted fetish object, not a human being. Our emotions, thoughts, interests...all of those things are tossed aside in favour of our tits, asses, and cocks (if we still have them).
We're not fetishes, even if we like fetishy stuff.
Treating us like human beings will get you 'further' than begging us to plow you like the back 40. And by get you further, I mean we'll treat you like a human being too. Cautiously. Until we think we might understand what you're angling for. And trust me...we're all vicious when that's broken.
Extremely so.
~~~//||\\~~~
This allows us to make a transition, albeit a rough one, to the 4th point on my list (since I think I kinda covered the first bunch in the above polemic)... “massive correlation dissonances dealing with hetero/homosexuality and fetishised transgender/transsexual men and women.”
Phew, that's a mouthful.
I'm a woman. You're a man. I deign to consent to allow you to become intimate with me on a one on one basis in a safe place where I feel secure and protected. And I nervously undress for you, knowing that you know that I'm trans. And I slide my skirt down, and expose myself to you, and you...
Don't look me in the eyes.
Instead, your eyes are focused hardcore on my dick. Or lack thereof. Because in this story, I am Schroedinger's transgirl...I may or may not have had GCS.
How does that make me feel?
It makes me feel like I do every day...that I am reduced to my organs. Just like trans exterminationary radical feminists deny me my essential identity and womanhood because I am not a 'womyn born womyn,' because I do not have a uterus, vagina, and ovaries, you've reduced me to the fetish of a 'chick with a dick.' A 'he/she.' A 'trap.' A 'shemale.' And you'll go home, and the next day at the office you'll tell your friends about the hot tranny you picked up and how you had me begging for your big 9” sledgehammer (hint: it was closer to 5.5...and that's HELLA generous...but who's counting?) while I'm at home in the shower for the third time in 12 hours wondering when or if anyone will see me and not my dick.
Or lack thereof.
(For reference, this story is not based on anything that has happened to me at all. For one, I don't do the pick up scene. For two, I'm with someone. For three, because I'm demisexual, I'm really only into the idea of intimacy with someone I already have a deep emotional bond with. For four, I'm really not into cocks in general. For five I'm, like, 95% a lesbian tho I accurately label myself queer.)
Do you know how many trans women, at any point in their transition, feel like all they're seen as is some kind of weird freak show...that guys only want to get with us because it'll let them notch up not only another conquest but that it gets like a gold star or something for taking one for the team and stuff? If you do know, tell me, because I can really only base it on how I feel...which is that generally I know how I'm seen and it sucks and I hate it and I'm still not gonna blow you and trust me there's no way on this world or the next that I'm gonna top you because hello hormones baby.
It wears on you.
Big time.
And I don't know how it is for any other marginalised group and the tropes that go along with them...I just know it sucks.
And additionally? For the record?
If you're a straight man, and you have sex with a trans woman, guess what?
You're still straight.
If you're a straight woman, and you have sex with a trans man?
You're still straight.
And if you're a trans woman, and you have a trans girlfriend?
You're a lesbian...and you're also pretty damned awesome.
This really isn't rocket surgery...unless you are routinely into the idea of dehumanising your partners and failing to respect their identities. You don't suddenly become the only gay in the village if you get to know the cute redhead that works a couple cubicles over, think she's pretty damned awesome, go on a few dates or more and the two of you decide to take things back to one of your bedrooms just because she's trans. It doesn't make her gay either. It makes her a straight woman who trusted you enough to share the biggest part of her with you and YOU SCREWED IT UP TIGER YOU SO FUCKED UP.
Ahem.
People, people.
We're people.
With feelings. And hearts. And all hearts break, and I think sometimes ours more than others because we have to deal with so much and it's really no wonder we don't let people in very much.
~~~//||\\~~~
Trans Panic is a thing. Or rather, they try to make it a thing, and in trying to make it a thing, they make it a thing, but it's not the thing they think they made it into.
Let me try to explain.
Trans Panic is the name given to the fallacy that it is justified to be violent toward, or murder, a trans man or woman because you didn't know they were trans and all of a sudden OOPS SURPRISE PENIS or OOPS SURPRISE VAGINA and suddenly you feel it's OK to beat us to death.
Even tho...shock horror...you just had consensual sex with us fifteen minutes before.
Because people conflate identity with orientation, sex with trans woman = OMG people will think I'm gay. What it >really< means is that people will be impressed with your firm grasp on your own masculinity, your healthy self image and keen ability to understand that a woman is a woman and damn she's cute and you two make a nice couple. And then I wake up, and realise that this is the real world, and people suck.
Trans Panic is NOT a thing that is real.
It's a false equivalence that is frighteningly accepted as a defense when a member of the US military decides that he has to hide the fact that he had totally heterosexual sex with a trans woman. It's an accepted defense when the guy suddenly freaks out that people will think he's gay for liking someone like us. It's accepted when the wife finds out that her husband has been cheating on her, and either he or she decides that it's the only way to get out of the situation.
Because we're seen as disposable. As not-people.
I've said it once before here, and I'll repeat it.
If you're a straight man, and you have sex with a trans woman, guess what? You're still straight.
If you're a straight woman, and you have sex with a trans man? You're still straight.
Corollary to that:
My orientation has nothing to do with my gender. I'm transitioning and I am, like I said above, like 95% interested in women (I may be over-egging it, but...let's just say mostly, OK?). That doesn't mean 'you should have just remained a guy and been straight. Is that so hard?'
Well, yeah. Yeah it fucking was. Multiple hospitalisations are the proof of that pudding.
Likewise, if I were into guys...being a gay man wouldn't make all this mysteriously go away.
Because the issue isn't who I'm attracted it...it's the fact that I was born with a woman's body and a few organs that don't exactly play well with my body. So I am doing the most hardcore thing you can do...I'm manually hacking my endocrine system to do what it's supposed to do. I'm rewiring my entire body. I am more hardcore than you can possibly imagine.
So there.
Sing it with me now:
Identity =/= orientation.
Identity =/= orientation.
Identity =/= orientation.
Identity =/= orientation.
And my being trans gives you no more right to murder me than if I weren't. Even if you think it does. And if you think murdering me for my being trans after you nutted is OK, you were never really a man in the first place.
~~~//||\\~~~
Let's finish up with names.
Or perhaps more accurately, labels.
Up above, as much as it pained me to write them because I loathe those words unequivocally, there was a stream of what are essentially slurs used to label us and essentially reduce us to our peeners (or sometimes lack thereof).
I also mentioned that I'm friends with some people who work in the trans adult industry on screen.
The nice thing is that the trans end of the industry seems very heavily performer oriented, often performer produced, and doing a very good job of presenting a wide variety of content that only reduces us to fetishes when it's the concept of the video being produced...in other words, we're seen as people with all the complexity and wonder that makes us people. The producers care about their talent and make sure they are treated well and safely...most often because they're One Of us. The not so nice thing, at least from what I know on the outside, is that we're still basically looking at stuff that's labeled as shemale or tranny or whatever...at least when it's not coming from a full fledged creator owned indy studio/collective.
From talking to people, the general feeling I get is that they deal with those words as marketing phrases in order for people to find their work more easily, but outside of that world, calling them one of those is a quick trip to the block list...and those lists get shared about with good regularity. Hell, they don't even call each other that, so what makes you think you can do it and be OK? Hint...your having a penis is not a vote in your favour of being allowed to.
Some of us have no issues with certain words or labels. I know there's major issues for some women with the word transgirl or transwoman, as it asserts that the trans modifier keeps one from being seen as a woman full stop. I can understand that. But for me, I embrace it. I am a woman. No question. I have no doubts of my woman-ness. I am also trans, and I embrace my trans-ness as well. I accept that label with pride, and so for me, being called a transgirl is not at all a bad thing. But I respect people who have issues with it, and would never use it unless they said it was OK to use to identify them...and as time has gone on, I've found myself limiting my use of that label to private conversation out of respect for the fact that in public it tends to be polarising and separating in a way that only feeds into the perceived biases of the not-Trans community at large.
I know it seems complicated, but we reclaim words just like a lot of other marginalised groups...and much like those other marginalised groups, some of us reclaim some words and others reclaim others and sometimes the twain really doesn't meet. But basic decency and respect should allow us to meet in the middle and respect each others identities and work together toward our common goal...
...which is the complete destruction of the current white cishet patriarchal hegemony and a wholesale replacement with community based consideration, full human rights for all, and sharing according to ability and need.
Shit, I wasn't supposed to share that.
That's gonna be a demerit at next week's meeting for sure.
Really, I could have reduced this whole 3500 word essay to a few words...
Treat us with basic human respect.
But if I did that, where would you have gotten a chance to read Julie actually talk some about sex, huh?
~~~//||\\~~~
As always, I am indebted to you for taking the time to read my occasionally coherent ramblings. I realise this may have been a little saucier than normal, but it's stuff I've done a lot of thinking about and felt I needed to say something about.
I welcome your questions and comments.
Thanks again for reading, and I'll see you back here next time!
(NB: as always, this is posted under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-NC-SA 4.0) license with the intent that you may share it if you have found it informative, helpful, or enlightening. You may use extracts, properly attributed, as part of your work as long is it is openly shared under similar license.)
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