i wanna talk a little bit about the dynamic Miss and i have for a variety of reasons, not least of which is because i think it's really good an important for subs to share these stories. the more voices and angles the better, right?
(also i have an article in mind right now and i want to woodshed/workshop a little. i'm allowed...it's my twitter feed.)
so, Miss and i have been together for just over 11 months now as a couple, and we kind of codified the initial phases of the D/s side of our relationship on the 14 man 2018. it was an easy choice for me to make, really...comfortable and safe and right.
W/we're long distance right now, tho W/we know that will change. time takes time. it gets closer though.
the opening phases were very much like the beginning of any relationship...learning more about each other, what we want, what we need, what's not good, what's VERY good. those first weeks were kind of eye opening, and honestly there was some very awesome boundary pushing stuff that i never thought i'd be ok with doing, but which i discovered i liked a lot. and i know i could have safeworded out of anything at any time...there's no pressure.
recently W/we moved to more of a full time type thing across the distance. it serves a lot of different purposes really:
1) it offers me structure and direction, things i am notoriously bad at.
2) She says it offers Her structure too, and i believe Her
3) it gives me certain tasks i need to do every day. they're all basic, a lot of people would say, but i often forget them on my own.
4) these tasks make me feel closer to Her, because She is telling me to self care
5) because each has a required checkin, there's added layers of communication, which i love and need
6) if i forget, or come up short, there are consequences.
7) after i do what is then asked as recompense, i'm forgiven completely and W/we move on.
that last part is important.
i am not used to healthy, interdependent relationships...it's really been only since i started transition and stuff that i've had any kind of positive relationship in my life. funny how stripping the lies that were your life helps you, isn't it?
forgiveness...real forgiveness...is something i never saw as i grew up. everything came with a provision or a condition. that doesn't happen here. i mean, it wasn't a thing before all this either, but...She doesn't say, a month later, something like, oh...
"hey remember when you forgot to do (x) 3 weeks ago? how could you be so stupid? jesus wept."
(this is a thing i literally was told by someone in the past)
mistakes, no matter what, are handled, corrected, and W/we both move on.
(She does...i keep beating myself up some...(what can i say...old habits.)
point is, even tho we're in different states, these tasks bring me closer to Her. they make me feel like i am looked after, directed, structured. cared for. protected. safe. i can't do for Her if i don't do for myself. i can't serve if i'm sick. or dehydrated. or anything else.
while not required of me, i keep a journal. i track everything in there...my checkins, when i take meds and eat. i keep a food journal, so W/we can go back over it and adjust my diet and stuff. i track my moods and emotional state. i write other things in there too...little devotionals or reminders about anniversaries or things She said to me. it's a physical reminder of Her presence. and i see it as a contract, really...all these are things i agreed to willingly and enthusiastically. i saw their value. their necessity. i'm sure over time i'll have other things to do in there...lines if i've been bad or whatever.
really, it's a record and diary of my submission and Her Dominance.
while i kind of characterise my relationship with Her as 24/7...because all these guidelines kind of keep me there...i am not beneath Her. i have agency, i have the freedom to speak, W/we can discuss and adjust everything. that's healthy. that's what D/s should be.
i've known i was a submissive for decades...but actually living it, being it safely and properly...is a much different thing.
yes, i wear Her training collar right now. and that has always been a connector. but moving to this...i admit it was scary.
24/7 is a thing that...i never thought possible (then again, a LOT i never thought possible is or has been, so...caveat my emptor). and i was terrified of screwing it up big time. once you have the thing you've wanted dangled in front of you and within reach...you fear its loss. i was terrified one mistake would ruin it...my past and history as an abuse survivor kicking in. the last week or two has shown that not to be the case...the opposite really. i've accidentally slipped up twice. and i've paid.
and each time, when i am done?
She tells me i'm a good girl. and that i'm forgiven.
and that's it.
over the last 11 months my biggest issue has been fear of messing up and misstepping...my past has me be over-cautious and treat things with kid gloves and like walking on eggshells. i'm learning i don't need to...and i can be honest and open...and that i have to stop being so serious, even tho some things need and deserve seriousness. that's a thing She is teaching me, even if i am a slow learner.
the baseline for everything W/we do is communication...it's always been, especially as we're both polyam/relationship anarchists (i like that second term a lot, even if it doesn't really work as a descriptor for me). W/we talk about stuff because W/we have to. i think it's actually a boon in many ways to have this overlap between polyam and D/s tpe...they both require so many of the same things, so it's easy to have some structure already in place for the shift to more serious stuff.
i'm really lucky in that respect...as well as the fact that there are so many other things W/we share in common, like interests in movies, anime, music, science fiction, things W/we studied, and more. W/we have a relationship that exists beyond the D/s, one which is equally if not in ways more important than the D/s and play. the point here is...W/we work at it, and our dynamic grows and becomes more interwoven every day. as a lover of ritual, the rules and checkins help me SO MUCH. they're patterns i can repeat that bring me closer, that help me be better for Her, that help me be what She wants and expects of me.
and it's amazing.
and beautiful.
and right.
and...this is what works for U/us. it's not one size fits all. but it's perfect for where W/we are right now, and i'm excited for what it means and where it leads.
and i'll follow...to the left and one step behind.
always.
24 April 2018
MASTURBATION MONDAY: Learning her Place, Part II
“Look
at Me, babygirl...”
i
heard the voice, knew the voice, heard the words, but i could not
respond. They were so far away; She was so far away, i was so far
away. Somewhere else. i drifted, floating between clouds, weightless
and as heavy as the universe. i tried to form words, form thoughts,
but the words were heavy in my mind, flitting away almost as quickly
as they were born.
18 April 2018
Trans 101 With Julie: Fool in the Rain – the return of the son of the monster transmedicalists
Hello, and welcome back to Trans 101 With Julie. I am the titular Julie, she who must be fed Skittles.
Let's begin.
~~//\\~~
Being a person of a certain age, I am having somewhat of a difficult time trying to fully comprehend the massive blue screen that is #tsraincrew. I could mull this over internally...in fact, I'd gather roughly 99% of you would prefer that.
Too bad.
Here's what I have pieced together from my reading, which is as wide and deep as their movement. read into that what you will. Anyway, as a sort of thesis, I present this statement: #tsraincrew is a movement that is not gender critical but is totally gender critical, which isn't about truscum but totally is.
Please allow me to make an comparison here. TERFs, as a reminder, are gender critical feminists, biological essentialists, witch shifting goalposts as to what defines a woman, but which always boils down to two things:
XX chromosomes
A vagina
Unlike TERFs, #tsraincrew believes no matter what happens, you still will have XY chromosomes (probably), not XX, and until you have a vagina, you're not really trans. So, you see, they're not at all like TERFs in any way shape or form. Now, I know what you're saying. "Julie," you are saying, "those things seem pretty similar to me." And I admit, I thought that too. But reading #tsraincrew posts, they tell me they're not anything like the TERFs who're already seeing how they can be used to further TERF goals. so, I mean...it's got to be true.
Right?
There is, I think, an extreme generational gap here that is part of the problem. As a still unhatched egg, I was fully aware of the requirements to jump over:
The year of therapy.
The letters.
The year or two socialising as a woman.
The eventual and inevitable surgery
"the surgery"
Because it's all about "the surgery"
And a vagina
Now, please understand, I have no issues with anyone getting any surgery if it helps them lessen their discomfort and feel better about themselves. In fact, I'd be all about it for me. except...except. I have certain requirements for what said procedure would achieve for me, and they are as of yet unattainable. as such, well...I'll cope. I still want stuff done, but it's more to reduce one of my meds to a lower level.
Point is, there were hurdles.
Gates.
And gatekeepers.
(I typoed that as hatekeepers and very nearly decided to keep it jftr)
And you had to meet their requirements before you could move forward. and they could hold you in place forever if they wanted to. I honestly believed these were bad things. I don't need a doctor to tell me what I already know. I don't need external agreement in order to know that certain medications will help me. I am informed, and I should be able to make my own medical decisions.
This is informed consent.
And this is a model so many of us have been fighting for for years to become the standard. I know of dozens of people working on exhaustive resource lists for trans men and women to find trans friendly physicians who also believe in informed consent. This is because we all have been victimised, in one way or another, by a system designed to pathologise and medicalise us. We are not disorders, we are not illnesses, we are human beings who know who we are and should have the same right to health care without jumps through hoops.
This, really, is at the core of what we've appropriated through our theft of the #peaktrans hashtag. This is what the #transcult is about. it's about informed choice. acceptance. support. and inclusiveness. Some people can't have surgery...they're still trans. Some people have medical issues that preclude hrt, or hrt to the same degree as others. Guess weehat? Yes, they're still trans. Anyone who identifies as a gender unlike the one they were assigned at birth has the right to call themselves trans, in my mind.
But #tsraincrew says no.
#tsraincrew says you have to go through the gatekeeping...and for the record, lots of them don't even know what gatekeeping is. They are in favour of transmedicalising the condition. In fact, I would feel somewhat safe in offering up the following: #tsraincrew is so traumatised by the sheer fact of being trans that they cannot comprehend the notion of a transgender person who doesn't feel the exact same way. They see being trans as a disability, one to be overcome through surgery. They see transition as a destination, not an ongoing evolution. They cannot conceive that a trans person may be perfectly fine without hormones, but want to have surgery. Or perfectly fine without having surgery, but want very much to be on hrt. They can't see that others experience being trans differently then they do. #tsraincrew already feels we are appropriating transness, thus diminishing what they feel is the one true way to...to what? Not...being...trans, I guess? I guess the entire goal is to stop being trans, to become...cisgender.
I guess.
I mean, I'm just, like, extrapolating.
And I think, despite their arguments to the contrary, they are proud to consider themselves truscum. They feel they are the elite, they are the one people transitioning properly. We see that in how they ruthlessly mock people who are early in transition or don't present femme. We see it in how they, much like the TERFs which they are totally not at all like, latch on to the more vulnerable and push and press and all to what end? To stop them from transitioning? To stop being...fake?
As if they have a monopoly on what the truth is.
Here's the thing about truth; it is not simply objective.
There are objective truths. The sun will rise, the sun will set. Estrogen will feminise, testosterone will masculinise. These are things that are verifiable, measurable, predictable. Truth gets dicier on a micro level. Your truth may state that I am simply a transtrender and an autogynephile because I don't plan on having the surgery, but am totally OK with just being on hrt. my truth is you're full of foetid dingoes' kidneys. whose truth is true?
(answers on a postcard please, dms preferred)
The thing that makes me most incredulous about all of this is how the #tsraincrew feels they are reclaiming TWU TWANSNESS from us. They feel they have been graced with the one truth about the malady that is transness, that which must be overcome, which must be cured. In doing this, they are doing two things. The first and most obvious is that they are playing right into the hands of the TERF crew, who are already busily beavering away at mumsnet about how they can take advantage of these gendercrit trans people to help them. They already see easy meat, quislings they can use to show how unhinged everyone else is.
Look, they will say. Look, even the transes know they're sick and need fixed!
And they will manipulate and twist words and use every little thing the #tsraincrew says to do just that.
The other thing is that they are, quite possibly with full understanding of what they are doing, allying themselves with the right.
...inb4 everyone you hate is a Nazi
Here's the thing tho:
Neonazis rebranded as alt right
TERFs rebranded as gender critical
Conspiracy theorists rebranded as truthers
And so it goes.
Truscum rebranded as #tsraincrew. they're gender realists, which is totally not like race realists and not at all like gender critical. And they'd rather be in the rain, they say.
Yeah cos pneumonia is totes better.
And I'll lift a page from my friend Lycha: they sound like a bunch of water sports fetishists. And hey, I don't kink shame, but I really hope they don't fuck up a perfectly good fetish in their search for the one truth.
Now, let me say a few positive things:
#tsraincrew has done something really good. They've made the rest of us take a look at ourselves, and what our purpose is. That boils down to a few easily digestible, easily understandable points:
1) we are here because of those who came before us.
2) while things are better than they were for our transparents, there's still work to be done.
3) our job is to try and take things further.
Our job is to make the world better for the eggs and fledglings to follow.
There is nothing wrong with being inclusive. After all, as saint Motoko Kusanagi said, "It's simple: overspecialize, and you breed in weakness. It's slow death." The fewer people you accept as acceptable, well...the less support you have when shit goes south...and if there is one thing I have learned, it's this: shit goes south. all the goddamned time.
There is a truism in tabletop gaming, it bears out in fantasy mmos, and it's true in real life as well:
Never split the party
And...well...we're seeing that happen. And it's for no good reason other than perhaps spite and a sense of superiority.
I don't feel I'm a truer trans person than any of them. hell, I don't think I'm a truer trans person than anyone else. I'm just a trans person. Some days it's a struggle, some golden days it's joy. but that's life, isn't it? The thing is, I don't look at another person and tell them omg you are transing wrong. After all, what does that achieve for me? Does it make me feel better about myself? Does it make me a better person. Does it level me up in transness?
Not the least bit.
I have an inbox of messages from people who have told me how my vulnerability on twitter has helped them come to grips with their identity. I have a hard time believing that, but it warms my heart, because I want to help. I want to inform. I want to be there. None of that makes me a better trans person. It does make me a good person tho. I think. I mean, others would have to judge that, not me.
There were things I wanted to talk about in the midst of this little thread, but I kind of flew past them, and going back just...naah. won't make sense now. not really.
I don't see how this is going to do anything other than drive scared trans kids deeper in the closet.
I don't see how this will do anything other than hurt people early in transition. I don't see how this will do anything but add to an already astronomical amount of pressure newly out trans people will be under. I mean, to feel as if a part of your community hates you? How does this help anyone other than the people who hate all of us equally, no matter how we sidle up against them like mewling puling obsequious puppies greedy for a snack and hoping to avoid the rolled up newspaper?
Hint: it really doesn't.
But it makes a few dozen people feel better about themselves, at the expense of others, and in that it's a perfect exemplar of modern society self-replicating in a smaller community. I just presumed, ignorantly, that we could avoid it.
Those of us labeled as transtrenders, tucutes, umbrella holders, flopping mopsies (i just made that one up)...all this means is we need to be more welcoming, more supportive, more inclusive than ever.
And I think we can do it.
I really think we can.
Join me?
Let's begin.
~~//\\~~
Being a person of a certain age, I am having somewhat of a difficult time trying to fully comprehend the massive blue screen that is #tsraincrew. I could mull this over internally...in fact, I'd gather roughly 99% of you would prefer that.
Too bad.
Here's what I have pieced together from my reading, which is as wide and deep as their movement. read into that what you will. Anyway, as a sort of thesis, I present this statement: #tsraincrew is a movement that is not gender critical but is totally gender critical, which isn't about truscum but totally is.
Please allow me to make an comparison here. TERFs, as a reminder, are gender critical feminists, biological essentialists, witch shifting goalposts as to what defines a woman, but which always boils down to two things:
XX chromosomes
A vagina
Unlike TERFs, #tsraincrew believes no matter what happens, you still will have XY chromosomes (probably), not XX, and until you have a vagina, you're not really trans. So, you see, they're not at all like TERFs in any way shape or form. Now, I know what you're saying. "Julie," you are saying, "those things seem pretty similar to me." And I admit, I thought that too. But reading #tsraincrew posts, they tell me they're not anything like the TERFs who're already seeing how they can be used to further TERF goals. so, I mean...it's got to be true.
Right?
There is, I think, an extreme generational gap here that is part of the problem. As a still unhatched egg, I was fully aware of the requirements to jump over:
The year of therapy.
The letters.
The year or two socialising as a woman.
The eventual and inevitable surgery
"the surgery"
Because it's all about "the surgery"
And a vagina
Now, please understand, I have no issues with anyone getting any surgery if it helps them lessen their discomfort and feel better about themselves. In fact, I'd be all about it for me. except...except. I have certain requirements for what said procedure would achieve for me, and they are as of yet unattainable. as such, well...I'll cope. I still want stuff done, but it's more to reduce one of my meds to a lower level.
Point is, there were hurdles.
Gates.
And gatekeepers.
(I typoed that as hatekeepers and very nearly decided to keep it jftr)
And you had to meet their requirements before you could move forward. and they could hold you in place forever if they wanted to. I honestly believed these were bad things. I don't need a doctor to tell me what I already know. I don't need external agreement in order to know that certain medications will help me. I am informed, and I should be able to make my own medical decisions.
This is informed consent.
And this is a model so many of us have been fighting for for years to become the standard. I know of dozens of people working on exhaustive resource lists for trans men and women to find trans friendly physicians who also believe in informed consent. This is because we all have been victimised, in one way or another, by a system designed to pathologise and medicalise us. We are not disorders, we are not illnesses, we are human beings who know who we are and should have the same right to health care without jumps through hoops.
This, really, is at the core of what we've appropriated through our theft of the #peaktrans hashtag. This is what the #transcult is about. it's about informed choice. acceptance. support. and inclusiveness. Some people can't have surgery...they're still trans. Some people have medical issues that preclude hrt, or hrt to the same degree as others. Guess weehat? Yes, they're still trans. Anyone who identifies as a gender unlike the one they were assigned at birth has the right to call themselves trans, in my mind.
But #tsraincrew says no.
#tsraincrew says you have to go through the gatekeeping...and for the record, lots of them don't even know what gatekeeping is. They are in favour of transmedicalising the condition. In fact, I would feel somewhat safe in offering up the following: #tsraincrew is so traumatised by the sheer fact of being trans that they cannot comprehend the notion of a transgender person who doesn't feel the exact same way. They see being trans as a disability, one to be overcome through surgery. They see transition as a destination, not an ongoing evolution. They cannot conceive that a trans person may be perfectly fine without hormones, but want to have surgery. Or perfectly fine without having surgery, but want very much to be on hrt. They can't see that others experience being trans differently then they do. #tsraincrew already feels we are appropriating transness, thus diminishing what they feel is the one true way to...to what? Not...being...trans, I guess? I guess the entire goal is to stop being trans, to become...cisgender.
I guess.
I mean, I'm just, like, extrapolating.
And I think, despite their arguments to the contrary, they are proud to consider themselves truscum. They feel they are the elite, they are the one people transitioning properly. We see that in how they ruthlessly mock people who are early in transition or don't present femme. We see it in how they, much like the TERFs which they are totally not at all like, latch on to the more vulnerable and push and press and all to what end? To stop them from transitioning? To stop being...fake?
As if they have a monopoly on what the truth is.
Here's the thing about truth; it is not simply objective.
There are objective truths. The sun will rise, the sun will set. Estrogen will feminise, testosterone will masculinise. These are things that are verifiable, measurable, predictable. Truth gets dicier on a micro level. Your truth may state that I am simply a transtrender and an autogynephile because I don't plan on having the surgery, but am totally OK with just being on hrt. my truth is you're full of foetid dingoes' kidneys. whose truth is true?
(answers on a postcard please, dms preferred)
The thing that makes me most incredulous about all of this is how the #tsraincrew feels they are reclaiming TWU TWANSNESS from us. They feel they have been graced with the one truth about the malady that is transness, that which must be overcome, which must be cured. In doing this, they are doing two things. The first and most obvious is that they are playing right into the hands of the TERF crew, who are already busily beavering away at mumsnet about how they can take advantage of these gendercrit trans people to help them. They already see easy meat, quislings they can use to show how unhinged everyone else is.
Look, they will say. Look, even the transes know they're sick and need fixed!
And they will manipulate and twist words and use every little thing the #tsraincrew says to do just that.
The other thing is that they are, quite possibly with full understanding of what they are doing, allying themselves with the right.
...inb4 everyone you hate is a Nazi
Here's the thing tho:
Neonazis rebranded as alt right
TERFs rebranded as gender critical
Conspiracy theorists rebranded as truthers
And so it goes.
Truscum rebranded as #tsraincrew. they're gender realists, which is totally not like race realists and not at all like gender critical. And they'd rather be in the rain, they say.
Yeah cos pneumonia is totes better.
And I'll lift a page from my friend Lycha: they sound like a bunch of water sports fetishists. And hey, I don't kink shame, but I really hope they don't fuck up a perfectly good fetish in their search for the one truth.
Now, let me say a few positive things:
#tsraincrew has done something really good. They've made the rest of us take a look at ourselves, and what our purpose is. That boils down to a few easily digestible, easily understandable points:
1) we are here because of those who came before us.
2) while things are better than they were for our transparents, there's still work to be done.
3) our job is to try and take things further.
Our job is to make the world better for the eggs and fledglings to follow.
There is nothing wrong with being inclusive. After all, as saint Motoko Kusanagi said, "It's simple: overspecialize, and you breed in weakness. It's slow death." The fewer people you accept as acceptable, well...the less support you have when shit goes south...and if there is one thing I have learned, it's this: shit goes south. all the goddamned time.
There is a truism in tabletop gaming, it bears out in fantasy mmos, and it's true in real life as well:
Never split the party
And...well...we're seeing that happen. And it's for no good reason other than perhaps spite and a sense of superiority.
I don't feel I'm a truer trans person than any of them. hell, I don't think I'm a truer trans person than anyone else. I'm just a trans person. Some days it's a struggle, some golden days it's joy. but that's life, isn't it? The thing is, I don't look at another person and tell them omg you are transing wrong. After all, what does that achieve for me? Does it make me feel better about myself? Does it make me a better person. Does it level me up in transness?
Not the least bit.
I have an inbox of messages from people who have told me how my vulnerability on twitter has helped them come to grips with their identity. I have a hard time believing that, but it warms my heart, because I want to help. I want to inform. I want to be there. None of that makes me a better trans person. It does make me a good person tho. I think. I mean, others would have to judge that, not me.
There were things I wanted to talk about in the midst of this little thread, but I kind of flew past them, and going back just...naah. won't make sense now. not really.
I don't see how this is going to do anything other than drive scared trans kids deeper in the closet.
I don't see how this will do anything other than hurt people early in transition. I don't see how this will do anything but add to an already astronomical amount of pressure newly out trans people will be under. I mean, to feel as if a part of your community hates you? How does this help anyone other than the people who hate all of us equally, no matter how we sidle up against them like mewling puling obsequious puppies greedy for a snack and hoping to avoid the rolled up newspaper?
Hint: it really doesn't.
But it makes a few dozen people feel better about themselves, at the expense of others, and in that it's a perfect exemplar of modern society self-replicating in a smaller community. I just presumed, ignorantly, that we could avoid it.
Those of us labeled as transtrenders, tucutes, umbrella holders, flopping mopsies (i just made that one up)...all this means is we need to be more welcoming, more supportive, more inclusive than ever.
And I think we can do it.
I really think we can.
Join me?
16 April 2018
MASTURBATION MONDAY: Learning her Place, Part I
“So tell me...are you willing to
start counting now?”
The buzzing...no, the rumbling...deep
inside me had quieted to a slow, low throb, and i felt my breath slow
as well. i tried to turn, to look Her in the eyes, but something
pressed against the side of my face.
“Come now, you know better than
that.”
She laughed, Her voice playful, but dangerously so. It was, as always, the laughter of a predator who finally has cornered Her prey, and is just waiting for an opening to strike. i swallowed hard, head finally clear enough to respond.
She laughed, Her voice playful, but dangerously so. It was, as always, the laughter of a predator who finally has cornered Her prey, and is just waiting for an opening to strike. i swallowed hard, head finally clear enough to respond.
14 April 2018
Trans 101 With Julie: Deconstructing -ERFism
Hi, and welcome back to Trans 101 With Julie. It's been quite a long time since I've done an essay under this title, but sometimes there are just too many thoughts to break down into easily digestible chunks for a mass audience on Twitter. This, I hope you could gather, is one of those times.
I wantr to spend some time today writing about, and talking about, -ERF ideology. I label it thusly because there are multiple kinds of ideology here and while they share some essential similarities, they are in some cases different enough to warrant individual attention. For the purposes of today's essay, I'm going to be talking about three of the most prevalent flavours of -ERFism out there right now:
TERF – trans exclusionary radical feminism
SWERF – sex worker exclusionary radical feminism
PERF – penis exclusionary radical feminism.
The only reason they're listed in that order is...well, honestly, because I coin flipped each term and did a little chart thing. While some of these impact me far more than others, all are dangerous and hurtful for feminism as a whole, women as a subset, and trans women as a specific targeted community.
Let's begin, shall we?
TERF, or trans exclusionary radical feminism, really does what it says on the label. It is a branch of radical feminism that posits that trans women are not women as they do not have the benefit of female biology (namely, a vagina, uterus, ovaries, menstrual cycle, the ability to give birth, etc.), they were not socialised female and thus benefit from male socialisation in a patriarchal society, and are secretly rapists who want into bathrooms to rape little girls, because all people with penises are rapists regardless of age.
Wow, that last one, huh? I totally understand if you don't believe me on that one, but I have, as the youth today say, the receipts.
Biological essentialism, i.e., “the belief that 'human nature', an individual's personality, or some specific quality (such as intelligence, creativity, homosexuality, masculinity, femininity, or a male propensity to aggression) is an innate and natural 'essence' (rather than a product of circumstances, upbringing, and culture)” is at the core of TERFism. Essentialism is a very dangerous ideology, as it spreads to areas such as race essentialism (i.e., certain ethnic groups are smarter, or stronger, or faster, or more prone to crime than others.). It posits that you are what you are and nothing can change the circumstances of your life. You are born into a station, and said station is where you die. You rise to your particular level of mediocrity and stay there.
Biological essentialism plays into socialisation. It basically states that each gender has a predetermined list of traits that are archetypal and said lists/traits are immutable. It also posits that those who break the boundaries of said gender boxes are punished through forced transition rather than accepting, for example, their effeminate masculinity or their tomboy nature.
Not a single bit of this is true in any way shape or form.
Let me use myself as an example...mostly because I'm the person whose story I can tell best.
If ever there was someone who fit absolutely none of the archetypes of a typical boy, it was me. I was quiet, reserved, prone to make believe, would rather read books or build with Lego than play kickball. I was bullied mercilessly, tho not ever called gay or faggot (until high school, at least). While the rest of class played kickball, or murderball, or whatever, I was off to the side talking to teachers and hanging out with the kid in my class who was haemophiliac and thus rough housing was scary and bad.
Know who accepted me, though?
The girls in the class.
Maybe they saw me as someone safe. Maybe they saw me as someone who wasn't going to get grabby when hormones started kicking in. I can't honestly tell you. All I know is they let me sit with them, they talked with me, and they treated me like a human being. Like one of them. And yes, I had ideas something was really amiss, but I had no words for it. I just knew I was being accepted by people and I was pretty ok with that.
Obviously as time went on, things changed. Well, OK...some things changed. The guys got...worse. Across the board. Rougher, louder, just more...everything. Between seventh grade and 8th grade it seemed everyone became someone different...even the girls, who I'd been at least welcome with, started being distant, and puberty was a thing. They were changing in their own ways. And I wasn't...at least, not in any ways that I could understand. I wasn't changing like the boys were, I wasn't changing like the girls were. I was just kind of...there.
Was I socialised male? I can't answer that. I can tell you I was rejected by every guy in my classes from associating with them (with the only exclusion being choir), I was mocked and ridiculed, and the only time that stopped is when two things happened:
1) my junior year I had a breakdown and broke my hand punching a locker.
2) my senior year I finally tired of being pushed around in gym class, stick checked someone into the bleachers, and went after him with a lacrosse stick.
I proceeded to sick up after each of those events.
In fact, I feel nauseous any time I start getting upset and angry. Hell, I start to freak out when voices start raising because I immediately think something violent is going to happen.
Was I socialised male? I can't answer that. I saw the pressures girls were faced with, the way guys treated them, their frustrations at not being taken seriously, how quickly they were talked over even when they knew something better than someone else. I felt similar but not the same things. I knew I was being afforded benefits that I didn't deserve just because my body had a certain shape and I had a certain smell...even if I rejected everything that came with it.
Was I socialised make?
Fucked if I know.
What I do know is I was not an effeminate male, nor was I a gay male...as much as part of me thought it'd be easier if I were. Hell, I'm pretty sure my parents feel the same way even today.
Am I blessed with the fact that I lack a uterus, vagina, ovaries, menstrual cycle, ability to give birth? I don't know. I know if I had those things I'd feel more complete. I've passed kidney stones, pain is a thing I'm somewhat used to. I regret that I'll never get pregnant, never feel a child growing inside me, never give birth. I wish I could. I wish I could be a mother.
But I don't feel less like a woman because of it.
And in limiting womanhood to that or some mystical moon womb portal to the divine? That reduces women who are unable to get pregnant, or who have gone through menopause, to 'not women.' Is feminism that excludes women feminism?
Stating that trans women do not have the same lived experiences as “natal women” is a ridiculous statement in and of itself, because no two women have the same lived experiences. Is your life, as a white middle class cisgender presumably heterosexual woman the de facto norm for lived female experiences? Do black women have the same experiences as you? Latinas? Japanese? Chinese? Indigenous? Indian? Muslim? Hindu? Buddhist? Every woman has a different lived experience, and not a single one is wrong or incomplete because it does not mesh with someone else's perception of what being a woman is.
Of course, bring that up and TERFs automatically revert to chromosomes and organs.
And when you bring up the reductive nature of THAT...you just don't know what it's like to live as a woman.
It's a vicious circle.
It's a thing they hope they can tire you through, and get you to leave them alone while they, in the guise of “protecting women,” do their damndest to kick an entire class of women out of feminism because of biological essentialism and imperative. TERFism isn't just an ideology that is excluding trans women, it runs the risk of disenfranchising ANY woman regardless of biology if they fail to meet a TERFs preconception of what a woman is and looks like. And that's a thing we're seeing already today, as athletic women, or women with a more masc appearance, are being questioned going to bathrooms or whatever under the assumption that they are male sex offenders looking to attack innocent women and children.
Just because they don't look like the stereotypical “femme” woman.
TERFs hurt all women.
ALL women.
They just don't want to face or admit it, because if they did, they'd have to agree that they use the very methods they decry being used on women, ON women. And that cognitive dissonance? That may just be enough to fry their brains.
Finally...a bit of informatgion, taken from experience. I am on contra-hormonal therapy. I take two medications every day; one of them is aldactone, a potassium sparing diuretic and anti-androgen which blocks the manufacture of testosterone by the testes. The other is estradiol valerate...estrogen. I've written about the effects of these two medications before, but let me refresh your memories some via carefully selected copy/pasta:
• fewer instances of waking up with an erection or spontaneously having an erection; some trans women also find their erections are less firm during sex, or can’t get erect at all
Spontaneous and morning erections decrease significantly in frequency, although some patients who have had an orchiectomy still experience morning erections. Voluntary erections may or may not be possible, depending on the amount of hormones and/or antiandrogens being taken.
• decrease in testicular size
Testicle volume is reduced by about 25% with typical dosages and as much as 50% with higher dosages, especially after a year of HRT. When testosterone is dramatically reduced, spermatogenesis is halted almost completely, and when the cells that are involved in these processes go unused, they atrophy.
• decrease in sex drive
Some transgender women report a significant reduction in libido, depending on the dosage of antiandrogens. A small number of post-operative transgender women take low doses of testosterone to boost their libido. Many pre-operative transgender women wait until after reassignment surgery to begin an active sex life. Raising the dosage of estrogen or adding a progestogen raises the libido of some transgender women.
But What. Does. This. Mean?
Well, let me tell you.
First off, I don't get erections. Basically at all. Do I feel the effects of arousal there? Yes. Of course I do. But there is no wood, not without popsicle sticks and gaffer's tape (ha ha gaffer tape I made a joke please laugh). Secondly, on the RARE occasional I have an ejaculatory orgasm, it's dry as the Mojave. Do I feel like sexing up anything and everything that moves. Hardly, come on, this is reductive. Do these things preclude me from being able to have sex? Only if you think all sex is, is penis in vagina.
Do you know who's going to go into a women's bathroom to attack and/or rape women/young girls?
Fucking rapists, that's who.
Are there trans rapists? Prolly. There are women who are rapists too, including women who prey on other women. Rape isn't about sex, it's about power and control. And TERFs and their demands for womyn born womyn spaces ignore the simple fact that women are like any other human being. And there can be horrible monsters even in their own ranks. No gender identity is ideologically pure...and ideological purity is a tool of fascism.
Remember kids...gender critical is just the radfem equivalent to race realist.
Hell, they're often allies, to boot.
As we continue our jaunt, SWERFs are radical feminists that believe all sex work is demean ing and coercive, that sex workers are all enslaved by the patriarchy to benefit men, and even consensual sex work isn't truly consensual because it involves sex with men.
There's an awful lot to unpack here, and I don't even want to start with the cliché 'it's the oldest profession in the books' thing. Instead let's offer up some hard truths that SWERFs really don't want you to think too much about. We'll do a list:
1) Sex feels good.
2) Sex is not simply a biological imperative.
3) Women like and often love sex.
4) Consensual sex is spiritual connection.
5) Sex for pay is not (necessarily) coercion.
6) Sex is not degrading.
7) Kink is not only NOT abuse, it can be therapy.
I know several of these could be compressed down, but I want to keep them separate for the purposes of this piece.
First off, sex feels good. It does. Or at least, it bloody well should. It should be enjoyable. It should be bodies moving against each other, heat, friction, sweat, hands, lips, moans, sighs, maybe even teeth and nails and growls. It should result in two exhausted bodies intertwines whispering incoherent sounds to each other while fingers entwine. It should be good because it is good. Hell, sex with yourself should be good too; it should be candles and scents and soft lights and wet and amazing and lingering. It should be a thing where you and your partner or partners are spoiled and spoil each other. I cannot for the life of me understand why so many radfems seem sex negative...and before anyone things it, I am NOT saying that aesexual people or grey-ace people are invalid! There is a difference between not feeling sexual drive and being sex-negative...and it's one that I feel SWERFs cross with impunity.
Sex is NOT a biological imperative. Yes, it's essential for the continuation of the species, but...well, see above. As long as consenting adults are involved, all parties have agreed to the things that will happen, and everyone enters the proceedings with the plan too be good, giving and game (and as much as I loathe Dan Savage cos he's a transmisist, the GGG philosophy is a good one), sex is a wonderful thing.
Women like and often love sex.
It's true.
I've asked at least three of them, and they agree with me.
Seriously though, I know the preconception and perception is that guys want sex and women put up with bad sex, but that comes down to a society that doesn't value anything as much as it values the virile, masculine man. If we had proper sex ed? If people weren't terrified of bodies and people enjoying sex? If we took the time to explain to our kids what good sex is, and not to settle or do something just because it's expected of them? I bet a bunch of things would happen:
But we need to teach teenagers that sex is a big deal, that it has to be entered into respectfully and maturely...and we have to give them tools to better understand and take care of their bodies.
And if we had all of that?
Maybe...just maybe...sex wouldn't be seen as a bad thing.
Consensual sex is spiritual connection. Consensual sex is good, and magick, and ritual, and holy. And that sounds like a lot coming from someone who is a decided non believer, but...at its best, when I've had sex, it's like I stop existing. I become a ball of energy, barely constrained, and my partner and I bounce off each other like atomic particles, fusing and splitting in endless forms. It's beauty at its purest state, and it should be like that.
There are massive differences between trafficking and con sensual sex work. The biggest difference is the word CONSENSUAL. Every sex worker I know...and I tried to count, I lost track after 3...is doing this work because they want to.
(NB: yes, I am being sarcastic above with the number. Were I to hazard an educated guess, I'd say I probably have 5 or 6 dozen friends...defined as people I interact with on a regular basis...who do sex work as either a significant sideline or as their main job.)
Does that mean they're always happy? Fuck no. Is anyone ever fully happy with their job? If you can find someone who is, I would love to meet them. Seriously, however, every job is a job. It's a thing you do to earn fiat currency with which to survive. The difference comes in when you factor variables such as:
I...may be drawing from personal experience here.
Fact of the matter is consensual sex work is entered into because it's a way for women (in this case) to have agency. They can choose when they work, who they work with, set their own hours, set a rate commensurate with their worth. They can choose where they work. They can cam, or shoot scenes or movies, they can do full service sex work. Not every sex worker stays in the industry for life; for many, it's a way to do something fun, that they enjoy, and make a nice nest egg to put toward college. Sex workers are not “dumb whores,” despite what SWERFs would like you to believe; just drawing from personal experience here, I know the following:
And every one I know is exceptional just like this. They are some of the smartest people I know; they are people I discuss Walt Whitman and TS Eliot with, then talk about Erik Satie, then talk to another about quantum mechanics, then another about trinitite and bomb testing sites.
The cliché of the “dumb whore” is pernicious, and intended to belittle sex workers (predominately seen as female) as unequal to men. It is again reductive and diminishing...and in this case, it's women...”feminists”...doing the same thing that men do to them.
Finally...kink. Kink, which in this care predominantly refers to BDSM in all it's many splendoured forms, is seen as a particularly horrific offender and attack on women. Perhaps this is because of the cliché that Dom/sub is always presumed to be Male and female; perhaps it's fear of the unknown or fear of loss of control in the presence of a stranger. It could be both of these, or neither of these...I can't say I fully understand it.
Let me talk about kink from personal experience.
As you may know if you follow me on twitter, I label myself with a series of identifiers that help explain who I am. Among these are: "Trans/Poly/Demi. Sex/Porn positive. Owned property." There are others there, of course, but these are the ones that matter most for this essay.
I am polyamorous, meaning I have more than one partner. I won't say how many, just that it's plural. I am demi, meaning I am demisexual, which is part of the grey-ace spectrum of aesexuality. All that means is that I do not generally feel primary sexual interest in a person without a deep emotional bond...but it ALSO means there are times even with that that my interest in sex is roughly equal to my interest in eating pickles: nothing at all. It doesn't mean I reject contact...I'll hug and nuzzle all night with the right person. I just don't want or need sex at those times.
And I am owned property.
This is the one that needs the most explanation.
I am in a relationship which is based on what is called total power exchange. In our relationship, I defer to my partner in just about everything. This doesn't mean I'm a floormat, it doesn't mean that I allow Her to walk over me. It's actually quite the opposite; She's taught and is teaching me how to be a better version of me. She's helping me heal tonnes of damage from my life by directing me to new ways of reacting to things, rebuilding neural pathways that were damaged by abuse and gaslighting. She's taken it upon Herself to tear me down and build me back up. She's proud of me when I make connections on my own that I had issues with the past; she's proud of me when I take risks I'd never have thought myself able to before (i.e., pitching an article to a website and seeing it through to taco money).
And...She thinks I am pretty. And worth Her attention, and Her desire, and Her love.
Does She beat me? I don't know...in fact, I won't know until May when W/we finally meet up IRL. Does She degrade me? Not once, not ever. W/we've discussed things that I am not comfortable with, and She respects those boundaries as if they were sanctified soil. But if W/we're goofing around, and She tells me to do something? Chances are I prolly would, because it's fun, it makes me feel good, it makes Her feel good, and it brings U/us closer.
Dominance and submission isn't abuse; I hope you can see from the above how much good it's done me. In the seven months since W/we officially started going out with each other, I've developed more confidence and self assuredness than I ever had. I've taken bigger risks, bigger jumps, I've lept and tried to forget how to fall. It doesn't mean I always succeed, but I know when I fgail, She'll be there to catch me.
What does it mean to be owned? It means being protected. Cherished. Loved. Adored. Spoiled. Respected. Admired for my strength. Treated with utmost care for my conscious decision to submit. She didn't take my submission from me; I gave it to Her because She earned it.
Know what the biggest issue with BDSM is? Like any niche community, there are shitheels who participate. They're the ones who hurt other people, who take the sadism side of S/m to mean they can act without any care, consideration or limit. They're not sadists, they're evil. I've seen first hand the damage they do...and I've seen first hand the amazingness that a healthy power exchange relationship can be...where both people (or all people) become Better Together.
Kink isn't degrading.
People are, or can be.
And that's the difference.
Not that SWERFs want you to consider that.
Finally we need to take a look at the PERF phenomenon. PERF, as referenced above, means penis exclusionary radical feminist, and like the name tells us, it is an ideology that posits no one with a penis has a place in feminism. It's easy to see where this leaves out trans women, but it also excludes assigned male at birth men.
And let me tell you why I think that's wrong.
Feminism, like magick, is for EVERYONE. Everyone benefits from feminism, including men. The biggest issue confronting us all is the toxicism inherent in what patriarchal society deems appropriate male/masculine behaviour. Men can act like total shits and get away with it cos men. They can be loud and argumentative and be praised for being decisive, where a woman would be decried as being shrill and emotional. If we can break that cycle, break down the toxic nature of stereotypical masculinity? Men would benefit SO much. They'd be more comfortable, more confident, they could be open and vulnerable and not driven by a system that allows...nay, encourages...negative actions.
Men benefit from feminism.
Because everyone benefits from feminism.
Men can be feminists. And no, I am not saying that because I may or may not have a penis (hint: I have doom in my pants, ask any of my partners, they will tell you). I am saying that because they can be. Tell me with a straight face that Patrick Steward is a worse feminist than Maria Maclachlan. I dare you to. Tell me that Maclachlan's beat down on a trans woman is a more feminist action than Patrick Strewart advocating so loudly for women who are victims of domestic violence.
I'm waiting for you to do it.
Because I want to laugh in your face for how wrong you are.
Genitals do not determine how feminist someone is. Genitals do not determine who is a woman and who isn't. Genitals do not determine your value as a person. Genitals don't do anything other than be messy, sometimes be enjoyable, and often just kinda get in the way for day to day life. They are not the golden apples of the Greek pantheon. They're bits of flesh and blood we give entirely too much power to when it comes to listening to people.
Men can be shit, it's true...and men should not speak over women when it comes to feminism. But a man who speaks with, who amplifies, who defers to women and women's lived experiences, knowing that they know what they need to better themselves, and them working with women to achieve those goals?
I'll proudly call one of them a feminist before I will a SWERF, a TERF, a PERF or any other -ERF I don't know about yet.
It's a hella nasty world out there right now. There's hate coming from all sides, and to have it coming from within sucks harder than having it come from without. Artist John Minton said "We're all awash in a sea of blood, and the least we can do is wave to each other." This has never been truer than it is today, and all of us, especially at the intersections of feminism, trans activism, and sex worker rights, need to be aware and be wary of things that none of us should have to process, let alone deal with.
Allying with TERFs/SWERFs/PERFs is reductionist, hurtful, violent, and damaging to ALL people, not just the 'narrow' categories said ideologies purport to target. Understanding this is the first step toward battling it, and being a better ally and friend.
Thanks for reading. I'll talk to you soon.
I wantr to spend some time today writing about, and talking about, -ERF ideology. I label it thusly because there are multiple kinds of ideology here and while they share some essential similarities, they are in some cases different enough to warrant individual attention. For the purposes of today's essay, I'm going to be talking about three of the most prevalent flavours of -ERFism out there right now:
TERF – trans exclusionary radical feminism
SWERF – sex worker exclusionary radical feminism
PERF – penis exclusionary radical feminism.
The only reason they're listed in that order is...well, honestly, because I coin flipped each term and did a little chart thing. While some of these impact me far more than others, all are dangerous and hurtful for feminism as a whole, women as a subset, and trans women as a specific targeted community.
Let's begin, shall we?
TERF, or trans exclusionary radical feminism, really does what it says on the label. It is a branch of radical feminism that posits that trans women are not women as they do not have the benefit of female biology (namely, a vagina, uterus, ovaries, menstrual cycle, the ability to give birth, etc.), they were not socialised female and thus benefit from male socialisation in a patriarchal society, and are secretly rapists who want into bathrooms to rape little girls, because all people with penises are rapists regardless of age.
Wow, that last one, huh? I totally understand if you don't believe me on that one, but I have, as the youth today say, the receipts.
Biological essentialism, i.e., “the belief that 'human nature', an individual's personality, or some specific quality (such as intelligence, creativity, homosexuality, masculinity, femininity, or a male propensity to aggression) is an innate and natural 'essence' (rather than a product of circumstances, upbringing, and culture)” is at the core of TERFism. Essentialism is a very dangerous ideology, as it spreads to areas such as race essentialism (i.e., certain ethnic groups are smarter, or stronger, or faster, or more prone to crime than others.). It posits that you are what you are and nothing can change the circumstances of your life. You are born into a station, and said station is where you die. You rise to your particular level of mediocrity and stay there.
Biological essentialism plays into socialisation. It basically states that each gender has a predetermined list of traits that are archetypal and said lists/traits are immutable. It also posits that those who break the boundaries of said gender boxes are punished through forced transition rather than accepting, for example, their effeminate masculinity or their tomboy nature.
Not a single bit of this is true in any way shape or form.
Let me use myself as an example...mostly because I'm the person whose story I can tell best.
If ever there was someone who fit absolutely none of the archetypes of a typical boy, it was me. I was quiet, reserved, prone to make believe, would rather read books or build with Lego than play kickball. I was bullied mercilessly, tho not ever called gay or faggot (until high school, at least). While the rest of class played kickball, or murderball, or whatever, I was off to the side talking to teachers and hanging out with the kid in my class who was haemophiliac and thus rough housing was scary and bad.
Know who accepted me, though?
The girls in the class.
Maybe they saw me as someone safe. Maybe they saw me as someone who wasn't going to get grabby when hormones started kicking in. I can't honestly tell you. All I know is they let me sit with them, they talked with me, and they treated me like a human being. Like one of them. And yes, I had ideas something was really amiss, but I had no words for it. I just knew I was being accepted by people and I was pretty ok with that.
Obviously as time went on, things changed. Well, OK...some things changed. The guys got...worse. Across the board. Rougher, louder, just more...everything. Between seventh grade and 8th grade it seemed everyone became someone different...even the girls, who I'd been at least welcome with, started being distant, and puberty was a thing. They were changing in their own ways. And I wasn't...at least, not in any ways that I could understand. I wasn't changing like the boys were, I wasn't changing like the girls were. I was just kind of...there.
Was I socialised male? I can't answer that. I can tell you I was rejected by every guy in my classes from associating with them (with the only exclusion being choir), I was mocked and ridiculed, and the only time that stopped is when two things happened:
1) my junior year I had a breakdown and broke my hand punching a locker.
2) my senior year I finally tired of being pushed around in gym class, stick checked someone into the bleachers, and went after him with a lacrosse stick.
I proceeded to sick up after each of those events.
In fact, I feel nauseous any time I start getting upset and angry. Hell, I start to freak out when voices start raising because I immediately think something violent is going to happen.
Was I socialised male? I can't answer that. I saw the pressures girls were faced with, the way guys treated them, their frustrations at not being taken seriously, how quickly they were talked over even when they knew something better than someone else. I felt similar but not the same things. I knew I was being afforded benefits that I didn't deserve just because my body had a certain shape and I had a certain smell...even if I rejected everything that came with it.
Was I socialised make?
Fucked if I know.
What I do know is I was not an effeminate male, nor was I a gay male...as much as part of me thought it'd be easier if I were. Hell, I'm pretty sure my parents feel the same way even today.
Am I blessed with the fact that I lack a uterus, vagina, ovaries, menstrual cycle, ability to give birth? I don't know. I know if I had those things I'd feel more complete. I've passed kidney stones, pain is a thing I'm somewhat used to. I regret that I'll never get pregnant, never feel a child growing inside me, never give birth. I wish I could. I wish I could be a mother.
But I don't feel less like a woman because of it.
And in limiting womanhood to that or some mystical moon womb portal to the divine? That reduces women who are unable to get pregnant, or who have gone through menopause, to 'not women.' Is feminism that excludes women feminism?
Stating that trans women do not have the same lived experiences as “natal women” is a ridiculous statement in and of itself, because no two women have the same lived experiences. Is your life, as a white middle class cisgender presumably heterosexual woman the de facto norm for lived female experiences? Do black women have the same experiences as you? Latinas? Japanese? Chinese? Indigenous? Indian? Muslim? Hindu? Buddhist? Every woman has a different lived experience, and not a single one is wrong or incomplete because it does not mesh with someone else's perception of what being a woman is.
Of course, bring that up and TERFs automatically revert to chromosomes and organs.
And when you bring up the reductive nature of THAT...you just don't know what it's like to live as a woman.
It's a vicious circle.
It's a thing they hope they can tire you through, and get you to leave them alone while they, in the guise of “protecting women,” do their damndest to kick an entire class of women out of feminism because of biological essentialism and imperative. TERFism isn't just an ideology that is excluding trans women, it runs the risk of disenfranchising ANY woman regardless of biology if they fail to meet a TERFs preconception of what a woman is and looks like. And that's a thing we're seeing already today, as athletic women, or women with a more masc appearance, are being questioned going to bathrooms or whatever under the assumption that they are male sex offenders looking to attack innocent women and children.
Just because they don't look like the stereotypical “femme” woman.
TERFs hurt all women.
ALL women.
They just don't want to face or admit it, because if they did, they'd have to agree that they use the very methods they decry being used on women, ON women. And that cognitive dissonance? That may just be enough to fry their brains.
Finally...a bit of informatgion, taken from experience. I am on contra-hormonal therapy. I take two medications every day; one of them is aldactone, a potassium sparing diuretic and anti-androgen which blocks the manufacture of testosterone by the testes. The other is estradiol valerate...estrogen. I've written about the effects of these two medications before, but let me refresh your memories some via carefully selected copy/pasta:
• fewer instances of waking up with an erection or spontaneously having an erection; some trans women also find their erections are less firm during sex, or can’t get erect at all
Spontaneous and morning erections decrease significantly in frequency, although some patients who have had an orchiectomy still experience morning erections. Voluntary erections may or may not be possible, depending on the amount of hormones and/or antiandrogens being taken.
• decrease in testicular size
Testicle volume is reduced by about 25% with typical dosages and as much as 50% with higher dosages, especially after a year of HRT. When testosterone is dramatically reduced, spermatogenesis is halted almost completely, and when the cells that are involved in these processes go unused, they atrophy.
• decrease in sex drive
Some transgender women report a significant reduction in libido, depending on the dosage of antiandrogens. A small number of post-operative transgender women take low doses of testosterone to boost their libido. Many pre-operative transgender women wait until after reassignment surgery to begin an active sex life. Raising the dosage of estrogen or adding a progestogen raises the libido of some transgender women.
But What. Does. This. Mean?
Well, let me tell you.
First off, I don't get erections. Basically at all. Do I feel the effects of arousal there? Yes. Of course I do. But there is no wood, not without popsicle sticks and gaffer's tape (ha ha gaffer tape I made a joke please laugh). Secondly, on the RARE occasional I have an ejaculatory orgasm, it's dry as the Mojave. Do I feel like sexing up anything and everything that moves. Hardly, come on, this is reductive. Do these things preclude me from being able to have sex? Only if you think all sex is, is penis in vagina.
Do you know who's going to go into a women's bathroom to attack and/or rape women/young girls?
Fucking rapists, that's who.
Are there trans rapists? Prolly. There are women who are rapists too, including women who prey on other women. Rape isn't about sex, it's about power and control. And TERFs and their demands for womyn born womyn spaces ignore the simple fact that women are like any other human being. And there can be horrible monsters even in their own ranks. No gender identity is ideologically pure...and ideological purity is a tool of fascism.
Remember kids...gender critical is just the radfem equivalent to race realist.
Hell, they're often allies, to boot.
As we continue our jaunt, SWERFs are radical feminists that believe all sex work is demean ing and coercive, that sex workers are all enslaved by the patriarchy to benefit men, and even consensual sex work isn't truly consensual because it involves sex with men.
There's an awful lot to unpack here, and I don't even want to start with the cliché 'it's the oldest profession in the books' thing. Instead let's offer up some hard truths that SWERFs really don't want you to think too much about. We'll do a list:
1) Sex feels good.
2) Sex is not simply a biological imperative.
3) Women like and often love sex.
4) Consensual sex is spiritual connection.
5) Sex for pay is not (necessarily) coercion.
6) Sex is not degrading.
7) Kink is not only NOT abuse, it can be therapy.
I know several of these could be compressed down, but I want to keep them separate for the purposes of this piece.
First off, sex feels good. It does. Or at least, it bloody well should. It should be enjoyable. It should be bodies moving against each other, heat, friction, sweat, hands, lips, moans, sighs, maybe even teeth and nails and growls. It should result in two exhausted bodies intertwines whispering incoherent sounds to each other while fingers entwine. It should be good because it is good. Hell, sex with yourself should be good too; it should be candles and scents and soft lights and wet and amazing and lingering. It should be a thing where you and your partner or partners are spoiled and spoil each other. I cannot for the life of me understand why so many radfems seem sex negative...and before anyone things it, I am NOT saying that aesexual people or grey-ace people are invalid! There is a difference between not feeling sexual drive and being sex-negative...and it's one that I feel SWERFs cross with impunity.
Sex is NOT a biological imperative. Yes, it's essential for the continuation of the species, but...well, see above. As long as consenting adults are involved, all parties have agreed to the things that will happen, and everyone enters the proceedings with the plan too be good, giving and game (and as much as I loathe Dan Savage cos he's a transmisist, the GGG philosophy is a good one), sex is a wonderful thing.
Women like and often love sex.
It's true.
I've asked at least three of them, and they agree with me.
Seriously though, I know the preconception and perception is that guys want sex and women put up with bad sex, but that comes down to a society that doesn't value anything as much as it values the virile, masculine man. If we had proper sex ed? If people weren't terrified of bodies and people enjoying sex? If we took the time to explain to our kids what good sex is, and not to settle or do something just because it's expected of them? I bet a bunch of things would happen:
- There'd be fewer abortions.
- Sex would be treated with the respect it deserves.
- We may see a decrease in sexual violence.
- Women's self image would improve.
- Relationships would be healthier and bi or milti-lateral.
But we need to teach teenagers that sex is a big deal, that it has to be entered into respectfully and maturely...and we have to give them tools to better understand and take care of their bodies.
And if we had all of that?
Maybe...just maybe...sex wouldn't be seen as a bad thing.
Consensual sex is spiritual connection. Consensual sex is good, and magick, and ritual, and holy. And that sounds like a lot coming from someone who is a decided non believer, but...at its best, when I've had sex, it's like I stop existing. I become a ball of energy, barely constrained, and my partner and I bounce off each other like atomic particles, fusing and splitting in endless forms. It's beauty at its purest state, and it should be like that.
There are massive differences between trafficking and con sensual sex work. The biggest difference is the word CONSENSUAL. Every sex worker I know...and I tried to count, I lost track after 3...is doing this work because they want to.
(NB: yes, I am being sarcastic above with the number. Were I to hazard an educated guess, I'd say I probably have 5 or 6 dozen friends...defined as people I interact with on a regular basis...who do sex work as either a significant sideline or as their main job.)
Does that mean they're always happy? Fuck no. Is anyone ever fully happy with their job? If you can find someone who is, I would love to meet them. Seriously, however, every job is a job. It's a thing you do to earn fiat currency with which to survive. The difference comes in when you factor variables such as:
- Are you self employed?
- Does your employer treat you like shit?
- Does he call you at 9 pm, 6 hours after your shift ended, to scream at you?
- Does he hang up on you all the time?
- Does he call you 25 billion times a day and wonder why you never get stuff done?
- Does he have issues with you transitioning even though he acts like he doesn't, and thus treats you poorer now that you're showing visible signs of transition even though your work ethic has not changed one iota?
I...may be drawing from personal experience here.
Fact of the matter is consensual sex work is entered into because it's a way for women (in this case) to have agency. They can choose when they work, who they work with, set their own hours, set a rate commensurate with their worth. They can choose where they work. They can cam, or shoot scenes or movies, they can do full service sex work. Not every sex worker stays in the industry for life; for many, it's a way to do something fun, that they enjoy, and make a nice nest egg to put toward college. Sex workers are not “dumb whores,” despite what SWERFs would like you to believe; just drawing from personal experience here, I know the following:
- One has parlayed her work into a travel business and a mountain biking hobby
- One takes video production to the next level in her worl, and is an accomplished musician/multi-instrumentalist.
- One majored in classics.
- One majored in English lit pre-renaissance with a minor in astronomy.
- One studies paleontology.
- Several are computer programmers.
- A couple of them have been on TV.
And every one I know is exceptional just like this. They are some of the smartest people I know; they are people I discuss Walt Whitman and TS Eliot with, then talk about Erik Satie, then talk to another about quantum mechanics, then another about trinitite and bomb testing sites.
The cliché of the “dumb whore” is pernicious, and intended to belittle sex workers (predominately seen as female) as unequal to men. It is again reductive and diminishing...and in this case, it's women...”feminists”...doing the same thing that men do to them.
Finally...kink. Kink, which in this care predominantly refers to BDSM in all it's many splendoured forms, is seen as a particularly horrific offender and attack on women. Perhaps this is because of the cliché that Dom/sub is always presumed to be Male and female; perhaps it's fear of the unknown or fear of loss of control in the presence of a stranger. It could be both of these, or neither of these...I can't say I fully understand it.
Let me talk about kink from personal experience.
As you may know if you follow me on twitter, I label myself with a series of identifiers that help explain who I am. Among these are: "Trans/Poly/Demi. Sex/Porn positive. Owned property." There are others there, of course, but these are the ones that matter most for this essay.
I am polyamorous, meaning I have more than one partner. I won't say how many, just that it's plural. I am demi, meaning I am demisexual, which is part of the grey-ace spectrum of aesexuality. All that means is that I do not generally feel primary sexual interest in a person without a deep emotional bond...but it ALSO means there are times even with that that my interest in sex is roughly equal to my interest in eating pickles: nothing at all. It doesn't mean I reject contact...I'll hug and nuzzle all night with the right person. I just don't want or need sex at those times.
And I am owned property.
This is the one that needs the most explanation.
I am in a relationship which is based on what is called total power exchange. In our relationship, I defer to my partner in just about everything. This doesn't mean I'm a floormat, it doesn't mean that I allow Her to walk over me. It's actually quite the opposite; She's taught and is teaching me how to be a better version of me. She's helping me heal tonnes of damage from my life by directing me to new ways of reacting to things, rebuilding neural pathways that were damaged by abuse and gaslighting. She's taken it upon Herself to tear me down and build me back up. She's proud of me when I make connections on my own that I had issues with the past; she's proud of me when I take risks I'd never have thought myself able to before (i.e., pitching an article to a website and seeing it through to taco money).
And...She thinks I am pretty. And worth Her attention, and Her desire, and Her love.
Does She beat me? I don't know...in fact, I won't know until May when W/we finally meet up IRL. Does She degrade me? Not once, not ever. W/we've discussed things that I am not comfortable with, and She respects those boundaries as if they were sanctified soil. But if W/we're goofing around, and She tells me to do something? Chances are I prolly would, because it's fun, it makes me feel good, it makes Her feel good, and it brings U/us closer.
Dominance and submission isn't abuse; I hope you can see from the above how much good it's done me. In the seven months since W/we officially started going out with each other, I've developed more confidence and self assuredness than I ever had. I've taken bigger risks, bigger jumps, I've lept and tried to forget how to fall. It doesn't mean I always succeed, but I know when I fgail, She'll be there to catch me.
What does it mean to be owned? It means being protected. Cherished. Loved. Adored. Spoiled. Respected. Admired for my strength. Treated with utmost care for my conscious decision to submit. She didn't take my submission from me; I gave it to Her because She earned it.
Know what the biggest issue with BDSM is? Like any niche community, there are shitheels who participate. They're the ones who hurt other people, who take the sadism side of S/m to mean they can act without any care, consideration or limit. They're not sadists, they're evil. I've seen first hand the damage they do...and I've seen first hand the amazingness that a healthy power exchange relationship can be...where both people (or all people) become Better Together.
Kink isn't degrading.
People are, or can be.
And that's the difference.
Not that SWERFs want you to consider that.
Finally we need to take a look at the PERF phenomenon. PERF, as referenced above, means penis exclusionary radical feminist, and like the name tells us, it is an ideology that posits no one with a penis has a place in feminism. It's easy to see where this leaves out trans women, but it also excludes assigned male at birth men.
And let me tell you why I think that's wrong.
Feminism, like magick, is for EVERYONE. Everyone benefits from feminism, including men. The biggest issue confronting us all is the toxicism inherent in what patriarchal society deems appropriate male/masculine behaviour. Men can act like total shits and get away with it cos men. They can be loud and argumentative and be praised for being decisive, where a woman would be decried as being shrill and emotional. If we can break that cycle, break down the toxic nature of stereotypical masculinity? Men would benefit SO much. They'd be more comfortable, more confident, they could be open and vulnerable and not driven by a system that allows...nay, encourages...negative actions.
Men benefit from feminism.
Because everyone benefits from feminism.
Men can be feminists. And no, I am not saying that because I may or may not have a penis (hint: I have doom in my pants, ask any of my partners, they will tell you). I am saying that because they can be. Tell me with a straight face that Patrick Steward is a worse feminist than Maria Maclachlan. I dare you to. Tell me that Maclachlan's beat down on a trans woman is a more feminist action than Patrick Strewart advocating so loudly for women who are victims of domestic violence.
I'm waiting for you to do it.
Because I want to laugh in your face for how wrong you are.
Genitals do not determine how feminist someone is. Genitals do not determine who is a woman and who isn't. Genitals do not determine your value as a person. Genitals don't do anything other than be messy, sometimes be enjoyable, and often just kinda get in the way for day to day life. They are not the golden apples of the Greek pantheon. They're bits of flesh and blood we give entirely too much power to when it comes to listening to people.
Men can be shit, it's true...and men should not speak over women when it comes to feminism. But a man who speaks with, who amplifies, who defers to women and women's lived experiences, knowing that they know what they need to better themselves, and them working with women to achieve those goals?
I'll proudly call one of them a feminist before I will a SWERF, a TERF, a PERF or any other -ERF I don't know about yet.
It's a hella nasty world out there right now. There's hate coming from all sides, and to have it coming from within sucks harder than having it come from without. Artist John Minton said "We're all awash in a sea of blood, and the least we can do is wave to each other." This has never been truer than it is today, and all of us, especially at the intersections of feminism, trans activism, and sex worker rights, need to be aware and be wary of things that none of us should have to process, let alone deal with.
Allying with TERFs/SWERFs/PERFs is reductionist, hurtful, violent, and damaging to ALL people, not just the 'narrow' categories said ideologies purport to target. Understanding this is the first step toward battling it, and being a better ally and friend.
Thanks for reading. I'll talk to you soon.
08 April 2018
Setting the Scene: Healthy BDSM in fiction
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07 April 2018
TERFs and the cult of sociological/scientific illiteracy
How much do TERFs hate us?
An almost better question is how much
do TERFs hate women in general, but...let's specify for the moment.
They hate us so much that they have been trying since last night to
find incontrovertible proof that the YouTube shooter was transgender.
Their argument is that women are incapable of violence, ergo the
shooter had to be male. Think about this. This is dehumanisation
illogic at it's finest. Take this in combination with their assertion
that men cannot be feminist, and therefore trans women can't be
feminist because they're not women, and...yeah.
Here's the thing.
TERFs use the exact same tools the
patriarchy does...dehumanisation, hierarchical oppression, overt
extremity of expression. Consider the TRA acronym, obviously intended
to link trans women to MRAs. Consider the TIM acronym, intended to
again deny identity. The more they can push their agenda and doctrine
of dehumanisation, the better for them. We saw it in UK Parliament,
where we were equated to parasites...a common analogy these days in
the British press.
Dehumanise.
Reduce.
Push out.
Compare those acronyms to things like
'feminazi.' or the cliche of the overly emotional woman.
TERFs aren't feminist...they're
fascists who use the same tools fascists and Nazis....aka the
conservative patriarchal hierarchy...uses against them. and anyone
else unlike. why else do you think they ally with the far right?
TERFs are quick to associate us with violence, while ignoring the
murders of trans women because it's just 'man on man violence.' which
makes it OK.
And they are anti-gender, which really
means they're against anyone who doesn't think the way they do.
They're really anti-feminist in general, because they feel anyone who
doesn't push out trans women isn't a true feminist. And they are
anti-identity. They say so. All that means is that they believe in
biological essentialism. They don't want to obliterate gender; they
want to adhere to the binary as hard as possible. They cling to
outdated science that isn't much more than Mendelian inheritance and
Pruett squares...it's literally the extend of what they are capable
of believing. OFC, despite their insistence that we're a cult and a
religion...they're the ones holding to pseudoscience...or, at very
least, outdated 2nd grade science that is easily shown to be outdated
and supplanted by advances in science through the decades.
Try telling them that.
Listen to them assert that science
never changes.
Tell them OK, the earth is at the
center of the universe.
Listen to them mock.
Then tell them science changes.
And watch them cycle back to no!
Genetics! XX! XY! RAR TERF SMASH ONLY TWO GENDERS RAR SMASH!
It's like arguing with a 3 year
old....only eventually the three year old will find common ground
with you.
Human beings are complex. We are. We
all are. we are all capable of great things...creativity, caring,
building, supporting. We're also all capable of terrible things. All
of us are. Saying otherwise denigrates all...ALL...women. Biological
imperative is reductive. Biological essentialism is reductive. Gender
essentialism is reductive. These are the tools they will, and do,
use.
I was sure I posted about how we can
either block, or we can push back. And I am sure I posted that I
elect to push back, because they eventually crumble. And it's neat to
see people who go for the absurdist dadaesque pushback like I do at
times...mocking them by turning their words back at them. You're not
going to make headway with them...they've ossified and calcified into
immobile unmovable icons of a past age, so mockery and absurdism in
return is a beautiful thing. As is directed arguing.
And I use both.
I am reminded of The Witch's Familiar
(Doctor Who, s10, e1)
Missy: Listen to that. The Doctor
without hope. Nobody is safe now. He'll burn everything.
I am not without hope. It's hard to
find most days, but i have hope. It's why i fight each day to live.
But will I burn everything? For my
friends...for my lovely queer and trans and enby and LGBTQIAA+ etc
family...for my /loves/??? I'd burn galaxies for them. Without
thought.
And that's why I engage.
"There are some corners of the
universe which have bred the most terrible things. Things which act
against everything we believe in. They must be fought."
Hello, I'm Julie. Basically...run.
04 April 2018
50 years beyond the infinite
3 April was the 50th
anniversary of the release of 2001: a space odyssey.
So...2001 story time.
It's 1977.
I was 4 years old, and while watching
Saturday morning cartoons i saw advertisements for a movie called
Star Wars. To say I was transfixed would be the understatement of the
year. I had no idea what I was seeing exactly, but... I knew I wanted
to see more of it. I convinced my parents to take me. TBH I think
they wanted to see it too so it wasn't too difficult.
Until we got to the theatre, and saw
the line around it. Said line wrapped round the place fully two
times. This was pre-multiplex days. They were concerned, but I talked
them into waiting. I kept occupied playing kick the can soccer with
kids, and finally we got inside.
The movie was...
I mean, it was Star Wars, innit? It was
amazing. It's the reason why stubbornly I refuse to watch A New Hope
and have a copy of the Silva Screen de-master w/o the CGI and Greedo
shooting first. Anyway, it was amazing enough that I talked them into
going again. And again. And again. Like, 7 times on first run? I
could recite the lines with the actors, knew everything that
happened, yet I was as lost in the world the 7th time as the first. I
was begging for the toys. I was wanting to watch anything that had
the words science and fiction in the description.
And so it was that one day I picked up
the TV Guide and saw a listing for a science fiction movie.
It was 2001: A Space Odyssey.
I begged to watch it.
My mom and dad were...let's say...they
were unconvinced by my ability to enjoy the movie. and they said as
much. but I was adamant, and made my argument like an intellectual.
IOW: I stomped, threw things, screamed, and basically made an utter
nuisance of myself. They finally gave in, with one admonition: we'd
watch the first 20-odd minutes, and they'd ask me what was happening.
Ok. I was in. I won. I was gonna watch
the thing.
So. 4 years old. 2001. And the first
20-odd minutes are the dawn of man sequence. There's no dialogue.
I am sure they figured I'd be bored out
of my mind and beg them to turn it off. The sequence ends...y'all
know how it ends. And my 'rents look at me as a commercial break
starts (or was it a PBS fundraiser? It was one of the two, as this
was pre-VCR for us).
'So,' they started...'so...you don't
really want to keep watching, do you?'
I turn to them and go 'that...it's
interesting...the caveman (listen I was 4 don't judge my limited
knowledge of what was prolly homo australopithecus africanus, ok?)
was using a bone as a tool...and then it turned into a spaceship.'
I paused.
'I...I guess a spaceship is a tool too,
just one we use!'
And my 'rents looked at each other,
resigning themselves to the fact that we'd be watching the whole
thing...and that I'd explained a core thesis of the movie to them. At
4.
Now.
Today, as I was searching for some 2001
images for...for this actually, I came across this poster.
And it was a Fellini moment for me, as
I realise that they actually...
Well, see for yourself:
(my god...it's full of stars...)
So there we go.
A look into the early days of Julie,
geek and sundry.
And if you feel anything, feel this:
sorry that my parents had to put up with this for 20-ish years...
So, pop the film on tonight.
And enjoy :-)
02 April 2018
30 years hunting crystals: my life playing Final Fantasy
While I have some times and spoons, let
me do the final fantasy thread.
Let me give you a soundtrack for it, K?
When I was a pre-teen to teen, I was
massively into d&d/ad&d. I am still but that's beside the
point. The fact is I love fantasy role playing games, whether on
tabletop or PC.
Way back when, but later than that, my
family got a NES. Shocker: I spent most of my time playing Legend of
Zelda.
A little later, I discovered my local
video store did game rentals. This was kinda cool, and I got to try
out a bunch of stuff. One of them was the original Final Fantasy. It
was really unlike any game I had played to date. While a game like
Zelda is called an ARPG these days, back then it was...really what I
figured an RPG on a game system would be. Final Fantasy upended that
with more creativity, more depth, and more variety than I expected. I
mean yeah, but...consider 1987. This was the first time I got to
travel to towns in a game...have defined chapters and quests...have a
sense of really changing a world as I explored.
I was awestruck.
And hooked.
To the point that I considered 'losing'
the game cart.
I didn't...but I was never able to find
another copy anywhere to buy.
It was a bummer.
But I rented it every time I could.
(back where it all began)
A few years later, we got an SNES. And
I discovered that there was a game for it called Final Fantasy
III...which ended up actually being FF VI but I didn't know that at
the time. I was...I had a holy mission. I was going to find a cart, I
was going to buy it, and I'd never have to give it up ever. So I
started searching. calling game stores. In an ever widening radius.
No one had it. No one could get it either. Most people would give up.
I was not most people.
I finally found a copy. In another
state. One single copy. Which they wouldn't put a hold on for me. And
I had no credit card, nor would they take an order over the phone. So
I made a logical choice. I got in the car and drove two plus hours
for it that day. My ex spouse thought I was...acting illogically.
I didn't care.
I got my copy.
And all was right with the world. I
mean...till half way through the game.
(on that day the world changed forever...)
From here on out it got so much easier
to get the games.
For one, we had a Playstation.
And I was able to keep up on things.
So I soon had FF VII...which was
different, but neat. and I played it some. I played it more on
PC...and I have yet to beat it because...well, because I got pissed
off at a particular event in the game and went 'fuck you square I
hate you.'
(but I have it on pc again now and I
will beat it)
FF VIII was...not my game. My ex loved
it, so I watched a lot. I just never got into it, and I kinda
figured...I'd moved on to things like Diablo, and the whole grimdark
thing cos I was EDGY...and maybe FF was not really my cuppa anymore.
Then Final Fantasy IX came out.
And it was everything I loved about the
first one and the third one (which turned out to be 6 ofc)...
I fell in love with the characters. And
the setting. And the story. And I was, once again, hooked through the
nose. I played hundreds of hours on it, much like the other two I
keep coming back to. It was just...a wonderful escape.
Final Fantasy X did little for
me...while I loved Auron and Lulu, Tidus just irritated me to the
point of loathing. But X-2? Whole 'nother can of beans. OFC by this
time I was mostly through figuring out and accepting things,
but...the whole game was fun. And, like my post last night...Paine.
You know. Wanted to be her so bad. So yeah, I played it a lot, which
led to a lot of ridicule from someone because 'why do you want to
play as a girl all the time?'
(come on how is it NOT obvious why?)
Also yeah.
I tried to deal, but it was tough, you
know.
I had no interest at the time of
playing an MMO at that time, so XI was one I kinda just ignored. I
kind of regret it, but I think it's at a point where I don't think I
could check it out. I never got 12, sadly...at that point things irl
were turning into a real mess...and 13 was a PS3 game and at the time
I just couldn't afford a console.
(and even if i could, I know the money
I'd have put aside would have been taken for someone to take a
'business trip' out of state. quotes intentional)
XIV was another mmo, and by that time I
was already 2 years in to playing WoW, and XV is only just out in the
last year or two. So there was a decent...many years in there I was
out of touch with the series, tho I read about it all the time. In
the last year or two, thanks to finally biting the bullet and getting
a steam account, I've started filling in the holes. I have VI again,
even if the port sprites are...redone. And I have VII, and am
awaiting the remake as well. The Boy got me VIII. IX was the first
one I bought as soon as I got on steam, and I'm back into X-2 as if
the past 15 years hadn't been a thing. Almost all the missing
games...missing to me...are on my wishlist...
IV
IV the after years
V
XII
The XIII series
I planned on skipping XV for...reasons.
Then this morning i discovered there was an anime made for the game,
which went into character back story. I figured i owed it to myself
to at least watch. Thus, an hour later, and 4 bouts of tears...I
added it to the list.
So I've been playing the Final Fantasy
games for well over twenty years, across 5 platforms. They introduced
me to deeper CRPGs, ones closer to what I was used to on tabletop.
They broke my heart dozens of times (Aerith, the midpoint of VI Vivi
just to name a few). They gave me worlds I wanted to be in,
characters I loved and wanted to hang with or be. They game me escape
into other worlds, where I could forget my hurt for a while and
just...be someone else...an avatar of who i wished to be, maybe.
And, of any game
series/system/whatever, they're the ones I know I'll play until they
stop making them...and then just continue to love them and replay
them as long as I can.
So there.
Your potted history of Julie's life
with final fantasy.
Thanks for reading.
Here...
Have some more music.
<3
Shantih shantih shantih
93's
30 March 2018
On dysphoria, and therapy through vanity
Dysphoria has been a hell of a thing of
late...it's been knocking me for 6.
And, like...
All the pix I've been posting...and
believe me, there's loads more where they came from...they're mostly
for me. As in, I'm taking them to try and prove to myself that
I'm...something? Like...not petrifying as if I were a gorgon. And the
affirmation is amazing...please don't think otherwise. Please keep
giving it to me. Feed my precious tiny fragile ego, your compliments
are miracle gro for the soul. But...in the end...they're...therapy, I
guess. I can look at pix of me from just 6 months ago, and compare
them to a pic I took last night, and see differences and
changes...face shape, expression, a billion little things. and that's
nice too.
I was talking about this with a friend
yesterday, actually...
And I hesitated to post this for fear
of how >certain< people might interpret the line about my teen
self. But in the end...this is a thing too...realising that I am
slowly but surely developing an aesthetic that works for me...
And then realising that aesthetic is
basically just...teen me, but with a better sense of assemblage and
carriage, is eye opening.
And gender is a fuck...I suppose no one
knows this better than my genderfluid and enby friends...
But coming to the realisation that for
all my commenting that I am a totally binary woman, there is a small
part of me that isn't, and that really doesn't change things for me.
Knowing myself is an ongoing process, and as each door opens I see
more clearly who I am.
I will always be using she/her for
pronouns...
And I am 100% happy with being a
woman...
Because that's who and what I am.
But like all people, it's more complex
than that...and the complexities...the edges...are an interesting
place to walk and explore.
Part of wanting to document my
transition is the idea that every transition story is different and
valid. We all process and progress differently, and the more voices
we have speaking, the better...not just for us, but for people who
don't get it. And especially.../especially/ for younger people out
there who are starting to explore their gender, who are looking for
information, guidance, support, assurance that they are not broken or
sinning or failing. This is the thing we all need to do to the degree
we can...because each of us is here due to the men and women who came
before us. It's a responsibility to leave things better than we found
them.
It's why I am so angry at truscum, and
exclusionary trans people, and irrevocably at war with TERFs and
SWERFs and their ilk.
Gender fascists have the same right to
a platform that ethnic fascists do:
Absolutely fuck all.
And yes, they have a 'right' to their
opinion. but having a right to an opinion doesn't make their opinion
correct. Opinion does not change fact or science.
And I think this went wildly off course
somewhere.
Well done, Julie. way to go.
If there is a thesis statement to any
of this, it's this:
'My goal is simple. It is a complete
understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists
at all.'
No, wait.
That's Stephen Hawking's.
But it's good for a very good reason.
This is what that is:
My goal for being so open with my
transition is simple: it is to present an additional voice and
experience, to add to our collected understanding of living while
trans.
I didn't pick this. None of us do.
Because we know it's not a choice. We know we are who we are.
It's what we do with who and what we
are that makes the difference.
Every path is valid.
And the more paths we can learn from,
the better.
This is Julie...specifically...speaking
to you...generally.
Stay tuned for the sound of arriving
somewhere.
But not here.
29 March 2018
On coexistence and acceptance...
Incredibly fiery hot take:
We should stop trying to fit into cis
society.
Because let's face it...there is not a
single thing we will ever do that will be 'good enough.'
Cis society is overwhelmingly white,
heterosexual, and anodyne. It's bog standard boring and it is
oppressive as fuck. So why aspire to it? Why try to cut off our
angles and curves to fit into the pace that we're allowed? Coexist
with? Sure. We should coexist, but more importantly, they should
coexist with us. They need to make the effort. You do not ask the
injured worker to bear a heavy load...
...well, i guess capitalism does ask
that.
But we're the margin here. We should
expect...no, demand...that they come to us. That they accept us. We
shouldn't have to conform, to pass, in order to deserve respect. And
yes, I know that comes from a position of privilege. And yes, I am
being utopian, because we know how we're seen in this world. But that
doesn't mean we should accept it, mould ourselves to it, become it in
order to...
In order to...
Listen. i don't want to /survive/.
I want to live.
If we look at the past...
Once upon a time, gay people were
accused of being perverts and rapists and child abusers. Now it's us.
If we make an effort to look femme or masc, we're appropriating, if
we don't we're blokes in dresses or tomboys. If a trans woman dates
another woman we're straight because we have penises, if we date a
guy we should have just stayed gay, as if gender and orientation are
inextricably, sub-atomically bound. If we have surgery we're
mutilating ourselves, if we don't we're blokes in dresses. The
goalposts are not only movable, they are always moving.
And it's intentional.
They don't want us to succeed. They
don't want to accept us as us. They want to deny, state that you
can't identify as a gender, accuse us of that.
I don't identify as a woman.
I am one.
So we have a few choices.
1) we can continue to try and...sell
out, I guess. try to be inoffensive. try to fit in. Try to keep our
heads down. Try to not be too loud. Try to strealth. And I get it,
it's safe, and I don't blame the choice.
I think it's bollocks tho. because we
fight for our realness...and now we're willing to forego parts of it
just to eek out an existence.
And I'm done eeking.
I don't have to be rich...but I have to
live.
Option 2 is to try and effect
change...and I think it's noble, and I think we have to try but i
don't think it's going to work alone. Because it comes back to those
moving goal posts. There will always be bathroom bills and TERFs
screaming on the floor of parliament...military bans and
documentation gatekeeping.
We can, and should, and must fight
those. It's essential.
But it's not enough.
Not in my not at all humble opinion.
We need to be loud, those of us who
can. We need to be ourselves without apology. We need to raise our
heads up, lift each other up, build our own Jerusalem so to speak. We
need to celebrate our culture and force society to come to us...not
the other way round. We shouldn't feel we have to conform. Because
society at large will ensure we don't...despite your celebs like
Caitlyn Jenner and India Willoughby...both of whom receive far more
press and attention than the worthy Janet Mock or Laverne Cox or so
many others...
...and Janet and Laverne have done
amazing things for us. They are serious role models for me.
But we need more from every part of our
culture. We need trans women and men from all over sharing their
stories, their cultures, their experiences. We need to show the full
gamut...from the bottom to the top. And we...those of us who
can...need to use our voices to amplify those without voices or
platforms...not speak for them, but speak with them, amplify them,
let them be heard. Because their voices and lives matter. And we
cannot allow the discourse to be dominated by a Caitlin Jenner, who
presents a single vanilla soy latte and uggs version of living while
trans.
My experiences differ wildly. as do
those of every member of my family.
We can be the melting pot...lifting up
every voice, celebrating the differences that make us so amazing.
And not boring.
And not anodyne.
And again, I know I speak from a safer,
privileged position. I'm white and I have a roof over my head and a
car to drive. And I have food twice a day and a family who doesn't
actively hate me and partners who love me. so it's >safe< for
me to say the things i say. And despite this safety, I get death
threats. I've been doxxed. I'm not immune even if my place is more
secure in many ways. But I refuse to just survive. I literally
refuse. That's my line in the sand, that's the hill on which I die.
I want every person in this community
to have even the little bit I have...and so much more. and I want and
need to do my part to help it happen.
Forex:
Society says we shouldn't have our
medical treatment covered by their insurance dollars. But when we
crowd fund, we're lazy for not doing it ourselves.
You see now?
Everything is never enough.
So.
Nothing for us without us. From each of
us as we can, to each of us as we need. We build a community that
lifts up the least of us, gives them chances, makes them better, and
by extension all of us. We fight like hell for our rights. And we
make them come to us. Because we're all fucking worth it.
And so...in the words of one of the
most brilliant men ever to walk this earth...
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