Hello there and welcome back to Trans 101 With Julie. I am, more definitively than any day previously, your host Julie.
I had plans for what I'd be writing/posting next, but things this week have me going in a different direction. Looking back at the posts I've written, I worry that perhaps I focus a lot on things that people would call depressing or negative about this process. I prefer to call them realistic because let's face it, the world is not designed to support us well at all. The thing is, for a lot of people who may be coming out, or considering coming out...or family members worried about a younger member of their family who just came out, that awareness is needed, but so is reinforcement that this is in the end, a Very Good Thing and will end up making things So Much Better.
So.
Today I want to talk about some of the things that I've noticed or experienced that are positive, affirming, and help me to realise that despite the sorrow, despite the pain...that coming out and refusing to live the lie anymore was the best thing I ever did.
Let me start here. Join me as we part the hazy veils of time and travel back to my misspent teen years as a high school student in Podunk New Jersey. I've written some about my youth, and how hard it was to cope with what was going on feeling, much like what will follow, and much like most trans girls of a certain age group, no matter the generation. But let's start here, shall we?
My senior year in high school, I decided I'd do the school musical for the second time. That year, the musical was Sweet William, an off-Broadway musical about the pre-Globe life of William Shakespeare. As the director was going over the parts, he mentioned an aging boy actor from the Coventry Pagent names Salathiel Sidcup (please note to this day I loathe the name, but...). And played piano and vocal recordings of his two solos...the introductory recitative 'Forsooth' and the set-piece 'Hey Nonny No.'
Please, just go with me on this, OK?
Both pieces were essentially countertenor pieces...intended as boy soprano in the era, and most likely with the part designed to be played by a woman. What I do know is that at that point in my life the high note in Bohemian Rhapsody? I could hit that chest voice. And people knew it. And thus, half the room turned to me and stared. And after that first meeting, I was surrounded by a bunch of people saying 'You are trying out for that part, right?'
'Umm, we'll see,' sayeth Julie, unconvincingly.
'No,' one replied. 'You ARE trying out for that part.'
Umm...OK.
Of course I wanted to do it because I could sing it, but I knew at that point I'd also be playing Ophelia in Hamlet for my set piece...and I am sure you can see where this is going.
My audition still stands out in my mind, as I'm asked to go through scales and we just keep going up and up and up. The director asks me to tra la la. I do it. He goes 'No...pretend you're Snow White and you're in the forest.' So I go flamboyant (I am not flamboyant. *flounces*) And skip around the room singing to my heart's content.
Later, I find out on my audition sheet the director wrote, following my performance, 'Yes yes Salathiel Sidcup yes yes.'
He calls my dad to explain things. Explains the musical. Explains my part. Explains I'll be in a dress on stage. Explains I may get a lot of bullying. Explains that at his previous school when they did Peter Pan and a boy was a possibility for the part of Peter he'd make the same calls since Peter is iconically Cathy Rigby or Mary Martin or Sandy Duncan. My dad goes 'You know that (deadname) walks around North wearing a pink denim jacket, right?'
That puts paid to that.
Abbreviate, Julie. We're already 500 words in on this flashback and we have more things to talk about today.
The time on stage...be it the intro to my character (which usually results in awkward shocked silence from the audience as male appearing me starts singing like a lyric soprano), or mostly the 5 minutes or so on stage as Ophelia (in floor length burgundy velvet gown, full make up, blonde wig (today I'd totally argue for fiery red)...it's the first time in high school I felt totally free. Where I felt like myself.
At the end of the musical's run, awards are given out by the tech crew to the cast. I am awarded the Best Actress award, and I know it wasn't meant as some kind of swipe at me. We had a very non binary, gender confused cast (in an era where non binary was never used, and possibly the only gender confused cast member won the Best Actress award only she wasn't confused, she just had a penis and no breasts yet), and I was proud that they felt comfortable giving me that.
I cherish it to this day.
Note...I wasn't out then.
Not by a long shot.
I wasn't just in the closet...I was, like, in a closet in the closet in the closet in the closet in the closet in the closet. I'd achieved Closetception decades before Inception was a thing...long before 'yo dawg we heard you like cars so we put a car in your car so you can car while you car.'
But...I felt alive.
Because I felt closer to myself than I ever have before.
That's carried on, and in fact has only gotten stronger.
Let me give you a more current example...hormones.
I've struggled with dysphoria for....as long as I can remember having conscious thought. I was depressed as a 4 year old, for Artemis' sake. What 4 year old is depressed over anything but not being allowed another pudding pop, I ask you? But I was. THe depression was bad, and deep, and all encompassing, and honestly, it continues to this day in one form or another.
I finally got put on estrogen, after way too long waiting, on 6 December 2016.
So, as I write this, I am nearly 7 full months in on a full regimen of contra-hormonal therapy.
So let me tell you how it's changed me.
Firstly, I feel emotions now. I feel all of them, and sometimes that's overwhelming, but I feel emotions. Despite being on SSRIs most of my life, I never felt what happy was...and depression wasn't sad but rather numb emptiness and blankness. Now, though...I feel happiness as a thing. I'm still not used to it, and ofttimes I find myself over-reacting to things, simply because I'm not calibrated fully yet to get it. But laughing? It's a new thing, and it's neat, and I like it. I like the feeling of warmth that comes over me when someone tells me they love me...or the fluttery feeling when my bunbun does something nice for me as a surprise just because she wanted to.
They're neat feelings.
Feeling is neat.
I do recommend it.
Even when it's sadness...because feeling sadness rather than numb blankness is genuine and it is real and honesty is so important.
Because I'm able to feel happiness, I am a better friend.
I should amend that... because I'm able to FEEL, I am a better friend.
I am more empathetic to people. I can listen better. I can care better. I can support better. I think I'm more attentive, more willing to listen and advise, and just better at being there. I admit sometimes this bites me in the posterior, as I am learning how not to over-extend myself, but...it's something that makes me feel like a better person.
Please note...I'm not saying I doormat myself. I used to doormat myself. I don't anymore. I do things because I want to, not because I feel I need to in order to be deigned worthy of attention or friendship.
I think more clearly.
I have less static in my brain on a day to day basis, so I can think more clearly, maintain attention better, and work through tasks easier. In the past, I'd sit down to write one of these and be jumping all over the place, flipping through dozens of tabs in a browser, skipping through eighty billion songs on Winamp, fidgeting, et cetera. I still do....well...some of that, let's be honest. But generally I can focus on things so much better that something that'd take 3 or 4 hours to sort of sketch out and then write takes far less.
I also do creative things in other avenues now....things I'd never done before.
I've taken up sketching and drawing.
I do more photography.
I play with video editing.
I've gone back to my guitar and bass, and I'm working up some stuff for an EP.
These are things that I've been better equipped to do since coming out, and even more so since I started on hormones. I like to think that it's because my synapses are firing more completely, or that with the numbness and blankness gone, I can connect to life and creativity more fully. I just feel more...awake. And aware. And I like it.
I'm a better person.
This is something I often struggle with, because while I can see the things I mention above, I don't know if they are, perhaps, only true for me.
So I did the only thing I could think of...
I asked my friends.
So, I'm going to share what some of them said about this:
Reaca: "Since HRT? There's more... peace.
Like...you've stepped into the exhale of life. Yes you're still badass and active as hell fighting the shit... but idk... it's like... hmmm.... stepping into your power or something. I remember the excitement and the frenzied ease (is that possible?) with which you shared your HRT start with me. Maybe it was just that we've grown to know each other better since then. But I *see you* settling into your Self in a way that before you (maybe) were striving to settle, but always itchy. (Forgive the myriad of mixed metaphors.)"
Leslie: "This is kind of difficult to put into words. It has been like watching a cocoon transform into a butterfly, but then the butterfly transformed into a machete wielding, transphobe slaying butterfly.
When we first met you were more quiet.
As time went on you were gradually louder, but very gradually.
Since starting HRT, it seems like you have stepped into the role of a leader. That might not be what you would call it or even be what you wanted but as you became more vocal about transphobe fuckery, you have become someone that others can look to for insight, strength, and consultation. This I see as a positive quality that is much better expressed today."
Jenn: "I didn't think it was possible for you to become more passionate as you are truly one of the most passionately splendid women I have ever known.....
But you have blossomed.
Always beautiful blossom but sometimes with a locomotive, full steam ahead behind it. The train of emotion and power was always there. Now it is truly this powerful locomotive with a destination. With purpose."
Liz: "You have become more confident in who you are for sure which has allowed you to be freer in all aspects of your life.
Personality wise you are very much still you just going through puberty again. There are many emotions there for you, but they are normal. I can say I see you blossoming into a an even awesomer version of you. An authentic you? Not really sure how to word it. Physically you've definitely changed and it's had a positive affect on you. I see you loving your body more and more over time.
You are more open and vocal for sure. :-)
You're connecting more and well much of what I said before. Also the walls you had up to protect you from everyone have changed. While you are still protective of yourself, it has changed to a place where you can reach out and so can others."
I hesitated, at first, assembling this bit, because it feels very self aggrandising to me. At the same time, asking people has been revelatory to me, because these are things I honestly don't see when I am trying to survive day to day. This isn't internalised feelings, like I've spent some 1500 words bleeding out in on a digital page...this is a group of people who have known me both before and after I started estrogen...and in a couple cases, before I'd even come out watching from the outside.
I know there is a lot to be said that's not exactly positive about the It Gets Better campaign...sometimes it doesn't. And coming out is not a panacea that will magically cure all ills in the world.
But you see, when the proverbial rubber hits the even more proverbial road...
It does get better.
It gets more honest.
More genuine.
More complete.
More real.
When things are darkest, the friends I have I know will listen without prejudice, will love without question, and will accept the truth from me, no matter how hard it is for me to say it sometimes. I don't have to lie to them about why I am feeling the way I am feeling, and they don't pay me lip service. They listen and understand. And that is a huge thing. Honesty begets honesty.
It gets better.
Life becomes more worth living.
Every day I am becoming more authentically myself.
I am taking care of myself.
I am loving myself.
It just...gets better.
So remember that, OK? If you're reading this, and you are afraid to come out, afraid of what the reaction you'll get is, you know what? I get it. I honestly do. And it's totally OK to be scared. It's normal, and honestly, if you weren't scared I'd be worried. But you are stronger than you think, and you are so strong that you have made it this far. And I am fucking proud of you for that. There are people out there who care, who see you in a metaphorical sense, who have been where you are right now, and you do not have to do this alone.
You never have to be alone.
We've got you.
I'm going to provide some resources at the end for you to check out, and if you have any questions, I can be found in a wide range of places and I can always find time to talk to you if you need a friendly ear:
Twitter: @xycyberjulie
As always, I appreciate your reading my essays. I take a lot of time to make sure that I express myself as clearly as possible, and impart as much information as I do my own personal life experiences into what I share. If it's been of any use or help to you, please feel free to share...that's why I make these available to the public.
Thanks, and I'll see you again next time.
Be good to each other...and yourselves.
