BDSM and aesexuality; some thought from your friendly local grey-ace

There is, I think, a kind of preconception that bdsm = sex.

Some of this, I am sure, comes from companies like kink dot com, for whom fetish and BDSM intersect in a very clear-cut way. it's not surprising...they >are< a porn company. and...their stuff is nicely done. I have massive respect for any place that does pre- and post- interviews, takes safewords seriously, and so on. i know there have been issues there (James 'yes I'm a scum-sucking rapist and should not even have a career now' Deen comes to mind), but the interviews afterwords stuff is something that i think should be standard operating procedure for any production company.

Sorry, long diverge there.

Point is, for so many people, their introduction to kink and BDSM is through porn...and that means that there's a preconception that the two are inextricably intertwined. And I am not going to sit here and say they can't be. Nor am I going to sit here and say they can't, or don't, run parallel.

From my standpoint...

Sex, for me, is a ritual experience. It's connection, It's mindset. It's not necessarily genital based. That doesn't mean it can't be...but it means for me it's unessential. Some of this comes from being grey-ace, some of this is because...well...the ritual of serving and service is a major thing for me.

Ritual is a thing I like. A lot.

And it is a thing that is found in BDSM for me.

(Possibly lengthy side note: one of my interests is ceremonial magick, and while talking with a friend a few nights ago, the idea of reworking a ritual to take into account my love of ritual in BDSM came up...and it's an interesting conceit, and one I'd not only be willing to explore, but script out, stage, and even film. It's the kind of thing I'd like to see, it's the kind of thing I don't see, and if magick is the act of creating in accordance with Will, the sheer act of attempting this means it'll be a success even if, or especially if, it doesn't all come across...because it is doing something New and Different.

Tangent over.)

The ritual of kneeling, of taking the collar, of reciting the safewords...the ritual of whatever follows...is paramount for me. It puts me in mindset. It prepares me.

And it does not have to end in sex.

For me, submission and sex and connected but separate. I submit when i ask permission. I submit when I take time to support and care. I submit when i do as I am told and go to bed at a decent hour in order to take care of myself. I will be submitting when i am told to do whatever Miss asks of me when I go visit. That may include pleasing Her. It may be washing Her back in the shower. It may be cooking, or rubbing her back. It may be offering my ass for a spanking that, in Her words...'a spanking doesn't begin until you wish it was over.'

Submission can be being restrained and being used for Her pleasure.

Sex is in there.

But I'd be just as happy if She got home and told me to stand, supplicatory, while She just observed me.

It'd just be a different, but equal, kind of happy.

Equally as intense.

Equally as ritualistic.

Equally...equal.

Because pleasing Her...making Her proud of me...is a high that i can't even begin to express in words.

My motivation for this lengthy word salad is this:

Last night I got a DM request from a now-follower asking about sex and submission/bdsm. Said new friend is ace, and she asked this:

"does a d/s relationship *have* to have sex, or can that aspect be removed without rendering the relationship moot?"

I'm sure, based on above, you know what my p.o.v. is. but here's how I replied in the moment:

"hey there :-)

I'm on the ace spectrum as well...demisexual, really, so a kind of grey-ace...but BDSM is very much separate from sex. the sad thing is that so much fetish video, for example, focuses on bdsm as a starting point for intercourse, but really the two are or at least can be very much separate.

For me, D/s is very much separate from any other kind of intimacy. i can and do happily submit without sex being part of submission. it does add to sexual intimacy, but not always in tandem. 

Long story short: you can so have a D/s relationship that is fulfilling to both dom(me) and sub without sex. communication is the biggest part...being on the same page helps so much :-)"

I know for some people the two are inextricable...BDSM is a kind of foreplay. and I think that is valid, and wonderful...and it's a thing that I love. so much.

But I don't need it.

And I know that's not an uncommon thing.

Sex is pleasure. It can also be a way of showing love. Or of glorifying and worshiping the bond between people.

BDSM is, for me, pleasure. It is a way of showing love. or of glorifying and worshiping the bond between me and Miss.

I want, and need, both.

And they will wind and parallel and intersect.

But even when they don't, the desire and need for submission to Her are part of me that wills out over sex.

So yes, Virginia...there's a place for you in the BDSM community as an ace person.

Because there's a place for everyone in the community.

And anyone who tells you otherwise is someone you'd never want to submit to in the first place.

Go forth, communicate openly and fully, and play safe.

x