Affirmation of self can be wonderful. It can also be a double edged sword.
To whit, this conversation from yesterday:
Me: (job name), how can I help you?
Him: Can I talk to the head of your company about setting up a call?
Me: He's on the road on calls, but I handle scheduling.
Him: Well, it's kind of technical...
Me: Your point?
Him: I think I should...umm...
Me: Talk to someone who sounds like a man on the phone?
Him: *silence*
On one hand, it as so affirming. At work I generally try consciously to work on my voice, and it's nice when someone affirms that I don't sound male. It's a nice warming moment, makes me feel I'm progressing, that I'm becoming more myself.
On the other hand, conversations like that are something I hate to say I expect moving forward, and I know they will not only continue but get more blatant.
I know I taught astronomy for 2 years.
I know I know more about astrophysics than a lot of people without a degree, and am half tempted to take all 4 parts of the edX Astrophysics course for fun.
I know that I build computers and know how they work.
I know all of these things.
I also know there's a conscious bias against women in STEM fields.
Just like I know there's conscious misogyny and transmisogyny in the gaming community, which is why I generally stay from voice chat, or only engage when I am with a group of regular friends who all know and are used to Julie's voice cracking and stuff...who are used to the sudden silences when I start crying and start sending me tells comforting me...who are incredibly supportive and lovely. and totally better than I deserve.
I know the future holds more of this, and worse.
I know my friends...the family I have chosen, will stand by me and protect me.
And that helps so much.
It truly does.
It doesn't change that it'll hurt, but it helps.
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