Life with Anxiety (Op. 14 for 23 strings)

For only the second time since I started being treated for my PTSD/MDD/SAD/GAD, I had to break down and take my Emergency Ativan today.

For the uninitiated, I carry a script bottle with 6 MG of Ativan with me when I am going places that don't involve seeing people I know that would be able to keep me centered and distracted and get me out of a situation that would cause me to break down.  Anymore than mostly means work, but hopefully in the near future will mean more.

Today has been an exceedingly difficult day for me...one that started with a joke gone awry that caused someone to get exceptionally angry at me.  I don't want to get into that more than that statement, save to say I apologised and removed the joke so as to hopefully no longer offend.  That ended up putting me back in bed for an hour plus shaking but otherwise holding it together.

Vaguely.

Then I got to work.  My boss left for a service call, and I was...not great, but OK.  Then I had one of my repeat PC customers come in, incredibly distraught.  Apparently someone recorded a video at Dartmouth of a crew ship dedication to a member of her family, and her grandparents couldn't access the YouTube link.  A minute or two of thinking later, I figured out the problem, and the solution, and we watched as it worked.  And she grabbed me in my chair, spun me around, hugged me and started crying. 

And that was it for Julie.

I held it together until she left, then collapsed on my desk crying.  Just everything today...inability to communicate, jokes that apparently aren't jokes...being whipsawed back and forth between feeling like I've fucked up and feeling like I've just made someone's lifetime...I can't handle it.

So I broke.

And dissolved an Ativan under my tongue so it'll act faster.

And I feel weak, even though I know that's what they are for.

I feel weak because I should not let things get to me.

I feel weak because I've spent most of my life trying to keep my emotions in serious check.

I feel weak because I had to give in.

I feel everything so keenly.  Movies make me cry.  TV shows make me cry.  Music makes me cry.  Artwork makes me cry.  It makes me laugh, and feel joy as well...I don't want to focus on just the negative.

But I don't want to have to resort to Emergency Ativan.

And it upsets me when I do.